MY WAY - Amelia's Daughter

30. heartache

It was first period but it wasn't our first period. Will and I sat in silence the whole period. "Shepherd, see me after class" the teacher requested.

    I sighed. What could I possibly have done now. I bid my time until class was over just moping at my desk. Because I know if Will and I were still together this classroom would be filled with laughter.

    "I know I told you we were going to read the odyssey this week, but first I wanted to do a writing assignment" Mrs Kim announced.

Normally I would love to pour my heart out into once of these but right now I just feel stuck. Like all the life just leaked from my brain and out through my ears.

"I would like for you all to prepare a 2-3 minute memoir on a time you felt helpless. Don't be shy because everyone will go. This is a safe place" she assured.

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Quietly I began packing up my things as the class drew to an end. "You wanted to see me?" I asked approaching my teacher.

"Yes, are you okay hon? I know this is gonna sound weird since I usually tell you to stop talking but your vibes off" Mrs. Kim sympathized.

"I'm fine" I sucked on my tongue trying not to cry. "Is something going on at home?" she wondered. just leave me alone I thought.

To my own condemnment a single tear silently rolled down my cheek as I shook my head no. "Do you need to see the counselor?" she offered.

I tried to speak, tell her no. But not a single word would release from my mouth. It was trapped in my body.

As I began to panic the air got heavier and harder to breathe. "I-I-I just want to go to-" but then I blacked out.

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"What happened??" I questioned seeing a whole herd of adults surrounding me. "You passed out" the nurse replied calmly, handing me a cup of water.

"Your mom's on the way" the counselor informed me, "have you ever had panic attacks before?"

I nodded my head not even wanting to think about it. "Do you want to talk, maybe?" she offered. "No- uh I just want to wait for my mom" I shook my head.

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"What happened, love?" my mom crouched down in front of me. "I don't know" I stared at the wall. "Do you want to go home?" she hugged me. "Yes, please, home" I agreed.

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    "Remember when I said I wasn't going to be upset about it, well I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was" I looked down at my feet, fidgeting with my fingers.

    "M, being upset does not make you weak. Don't even say that. You are so freaking strong" Mom smiled. "We have to go to the hospital don't we" I slouched down. 

    "Yeah but April gets off in an hour and already offered to keep you" Mom smiled trying to make me feel better.

    "I wish I could stay with you" I leaned my head on her shoulder. "I know baby, I wish I could be there, believe me I do" Mom promised.

    "But I still don't understand why you passed out" Mom stated confused. My stomach growled, it had been since that night with Will almost 3 days ago now since I'd last eaten. But I'm saying nothing.

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    "Hey Sweet girl!" April hugged me. "Are you okay?" Andrew asked. "What happened?" Alex joined in.

    "Hey, give her some space" Mom ordered before mouthing something I couldn't understand.

    "I'm fine, I guess the break's just getting to me" I looked down careful not to make any eye contact.

    "Do I need to kill him" Alex made fists. "No, it's not his fault" I explained, "It's nobodies fault" I restated under my breath.

    "What happened M!" Jo ran to join in as well. "Someone hurt baby Shep?" Jackson stormed over confused. "I'm fine!" I assured the whole party. "Hey why don't we take a walk?" Andrew suggested.