MY WAY - Amelia's Daughter

38. Looks

I definitely hadn't had long enough before we were forced to go back. I had barely even begun to process the whole thing yet. I'd only been home from the hospital merely a month.

"If you need me at any time today call me and I'll come get you. If I don't answer you call Mer. We are here for you" Mom hugged me. "I'll be fine" I insisted. I wanted to stay brave.

"I know you will be, but I'm here for you love" Mom smiled. "I know, I love you" I grabbed my backpack to get out of the car. "I love you, too" I watched as she held her breath. I was fully prepared for this to be the worst day of my life.

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    I went through the security line in silence as did everyone else. I think we were still scared to break the silence. The silence that fell between us following the disaster.

    In English class I sat between Will and Lola as always. We had a new teacher as Mrs. Kim had been fired upon viewing security tapes and student testimony from that day.

    I watched as Will visibly shook in his seat as our new teacher Mr. Rochester lead role call. All the remaining students eyes wandered around the room, occasionally landing on the pair of us, stalling for a few seconds, just staring.

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    Once the period was over Will begged me to allow him to walk me to class. "The nightmares are the worst part" he remarked. "Huh?" I had been zoned out.

    "I keep remembering what I saw that day, they can patch every bullet hole in this building, scrub through every blood stain, screw locks onto every door but I can't forget it" he shook his head. "Me neither" I agreed, "I don't think I ever will."

    "We'll have to take it to the grave" he insisted, "but hey, it'll be a hell of a story in thirty years" he tried to laugh but it just sounded more so out of fear. "Well that's something" I forced a smile. six hours left.

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    At lunch I rushed to find Jakob, haunted by those stares, looks, whispers once again. "Fuck everyone else" Jakob remarked. "What are you looking at?" he yelled at another kid.

    But following that we ate in relative silence. We held our breath in between bites. We counted our fingers and prayed we would make it through the three remaining hours.

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     Mom was there right on time at pickup. It was three fifteen sharp. "It was tolerable, right?" she asked trying to make sure I was okay, while I was sure I would never be okay again.

    "It was fine" I nodded still remaining in that quiet place. That seemed to have been enough for her as she then proceeded to drive us to the hospital.

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    It was a relief to see Lindsey, I couldn't wait to tell her about my day, the truth. "That sounds awful" she sympathized as I sat at the bottom of her bed. "You're strong though, you're a fighter. if you take anything from that day with you, you learned that about yourself" she smiled.

    While we were roommates I was a frequent to night terrors. probably  three times a night on average she would be woken up by my screams, but never once did she comment on it or mind. She just pretended she was unbothered. Lindsey was a true friend.

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    At dinner I poked around at my food while I texted Will under the table. Normally Aunt Maggie would say something. But I think she bit her tongue, just this once.

    "M you need to eat something" Mer gave me a smile looking at my plate. "I can't" I shook my head. "You got this baby girl, just take a bite" Mer plead loading me up a spoonful.

   I swallowed it but I felt like I let myself down. Why was I able to eat, breathe, live, when many of my classmates were gone. So many famillies were left without sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, cousins. But here I was eating dinner with mine.

    Why was I spared when so many weren't? God tell me why I was chosen to live. Guilt consumed my every move while I questioned my faith. Nothing felt right. I was completely out of control.