𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐋 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃

21

Song:
everything i wanted- billie eilish
slowed + reverb

ANGEL

I didn't think it could get worse.

When Leena had accidentally touched me, I didn't think I would like it.

The entire time I was sitting there with her, I was hard. The main reason for that being the brunette haired girl that was at my side.

Can you really blame me? She was stunning, and I'll admit that much. Even in a pair of pajama shorts and an oversized hoodie, she looked beautiful.

I have it bad.

Maybe what I really needed was a reminder, a harsh reminder that I wasn't worthy of her—never had been, and probably never would be. I wasn't deserving of the kind of happiness she could offer, not when I couldn't even seem to find it within myself.

I decided not to seek it because I felt I didn't deserve it. Not after what I did.

It was nearly ten p.m. by the time I walked into the house, exhausted and longing to collapse onto my bed.

However, the sight that greeted me was enough to shake the last remnants of sleep from my body.

I couldn't catch a break, could I?

My eyes shift to my dad slouched on the couch, a bottle of liquor clutched in his hand as he takes a long swig. I had convinced myself he was getting better, but now I can't help but wonder—had he been pretending all along?

"I thought you said you'd lay off on the drinking." My voice resounds throughout the room and his head finally turns in my direction.

He was drunk.

I knew breaking the habit would be difficult, but I couldn't shake the feeling that all my efforts were ultimately futile.

"I'm sorry, son," he says, his words slurred and heavy. "You know how hard it's been for me, trying to do my best for you, trying to hold it all together." His voice wavers, the liquor evident in every syllable, and though his apology feels sincere, it's weighed down by the same struggles he's been battling for so long.

I stand silently near the door, watching him as a familiar, unwelcoming feeling washes over me. I dared to hope—hope that he was improving, hope that things might finally change. But now that hope feels painfully misplaced.

"Do you think you'll ever get better?" I ask, my voice faltering slightly. He needed to tell me now so I could know if my efforts were even worth the time.

If he didn't want to change, who was I to force it upon him? No matter how much I wanted him to get better, his desires had to come first.

Unfortunately, that was how it was for me. I put everyone above my self. I put everyone on a higher pedestal.

He exhales deeply, setting the now empty bottle down on the coffee table. "I don't think I can, Angel," he admits quietly.

It's almost laughable—thinking, even for a moment, that if he could improve, I might somehow become even a fraction more deserving of happiness.

But I was wrong.

I never deserved happiness, and nothing will ever change that. Even if he were to improve, nothing would change. It'd still be my fault.

After a long moment, I head upstairs, both physically and emotionally exhausted. I doubt I'll be able to properly sleep after hearing the words he said to me.

Closing my bedroom door behind me, I grab a set of clean clothes before stepping into the shower.

The sharp, invigorating scent of eucalyptus fills my nose, and I release a long, deep sigh. Normally, the aroma would calm me, soothing my restless thoughts like a balm to my weary mind. But not tonight.

Even the familiar comfort it usually brings feels distant, unreachable, because my mind is too tangled in its own web of worries, too preoccupied with thoughts that refuse to let me rest.

I wanted to shut her out, to force the thoughts of her to fade away. But I couldn't.

No matter how much I wanted to despise her for making me feel this way, I couldn't deny the strange solace I found in the pain she caused.

Believe me, I've tried. I've told her to leave me alone, although my words meant absolutely nothing when I allowed her to drive me back that day at the cemetery. I allowed her to push her way in.

And now I'm too busy thinking about her when I should be thinking about my father who's downstairs and drunk out of his mind.

My parents couldn't have chosen a more ironic name for me when they decided to call me Angel. It was a name that suggested purity, virtue, and light—all qualities I didn't possess, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise.

The truth was, I was anything but angelic. My actions, my thoughts, and the path I seemed to follow proved how far removed I was from the meaning of my name.

Maybe they named me with hope, thinking that one day I'd live up to it. But if that was the case, they were wrong. Very wrong.

I wasn't an angel when I drove my mother to her death.

Once I finish showering, I shut the water off and dry myself before throwing on the clean set of clothes that I had left out on the dresser.

Before I knew it, thirty minutes had slipped by.

Exhaustion had taken over, and I found myself sprawled out across my bed, completely unaware of the passing time. My limbs were heavy, my mind too clouded to keep track of anything else. It wasn't long before sleep crept in, pulling me into its grasp.

By the time I fully gave in, I was stretched out across the mattress.

The ring of the doorbell, however, jolted me out of my sleep and I rubbed my eyes tiredly.

Who the fuck would come ringing the doorbell this late?

Letting out a sigh, I rise to my feet and stretch my arms high above my head, feeling the slight pull in my muscles. The sounds of movement and muffled voices drifting up from downstairs tell me that dad must have answered the door.

As my feet made their way down the stairs, the voices below became clearer. I couldn't make out who was at the door from the staircase, so I hurried my steps, eager to get closer.

Reaching the door, I gently nudge my dad aside to get a better look. My brows furrow. Why was she here?

"Leena?" I say, my gaze fixed on the brunette before me. She shifts her focus from the drunken man at my side and looks up at me, her eyes meeting mine.

After what happened only hours before, there's definitely a reason why she's here.

Shit.

Angel's got it bad for Leena

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