Without a Word (Hayes Grier fanfic)

Another Day Another Venue

Myra
  L.A. was much different than I assumed it would be. I'm not really sure of what I thought it would be, but it wasn't living with three other girls in my bus and hoping to see Hayes maybe once a day. It pains me to admit that I spent almost all of my time thinking of reasons to leave. I hate it here so much. When I say that I think of how happy Hayes is out here.

It is times like these that I realize just how different our life's are. He already knows what he wants to do, live in L.A., have his fun here. Me, I don't even know if my shoes are on the right feet. To be honest I'm kind of a hot mess compared to Hayes.

He doesn't see it. He doesn't see me at all anymore. I know he still likes me but he's so busy right now running around doing videos and shows he really doesn't have anytime. I don't blame him at all, resent him maybe, but who am I to tell him that he can't do what he wants. I miss him though. The way he would fiddle with my hair when we watched movies, and rested his head on mine to show everyone our height difference. I miss how we used to be.

It makes me wonder about how long we could really last? If we're heading in different directions what's the point of staying together? But we went through so much to end up together. I wasn't going to give up six months of hell for a stupid insecurity, it'll pass.

I nestled deeper into his chest. He chuckled a little bit, but went back to watching the movie. He'll nod off pretty soon he's always tired. His breath started to slow and his head dropped a little so it was hitting with mine. These were the moments a cherished, when I didn't have to think about all the future ahead of us. I could just think about him and how he's doing right now.

I reached out carefully and shut the laptop. We were in the main part of the tour bus. I gently pulled the blanket up over the both of us. He quickly snuggled back into the blanket, subsequently pulling me in closer to him. I could smell his cologne, the same stuff he has worn for the entirety of our relationship. To be honest, that scent had become somewhat of a second home smell, I recognized it as mine, and knew that that smell meant safety.

I woke up to the bus quickly stopping at a light, quickly checking my phone it was still the middle of the night. As the bus kept moving, I watched the outside of the bus move by. It was dark, and the middle of the night but after a couple weeks in L.A. I have learned that, really, the city really doesn't sleep. I tried to get to sleep again but, honestly I wish he was awake. I know better than that, he wouldn't be mad that I woke him up but he works so hard and this is his only off time.

I laid there, pressed up against him, just breathing in his smell. It was light, like a vanilla. I tried to remember everything I could about him. His curly eye lashes, and how his lips twitched in his sleep, how he muttered little things to himself. When he felt cold, he immediately reached for me, or the closest soft thing for him to bring close to him.

The thoughts of him were what put me to sleep. He made me feel better about all my problems when I was with him. Being with him just confirmed that everything that I was worried about wasn't worth it, it wasn't worth losing this.

I didn't wake up until I felt him stiring around me. Opening my eyes, it was early morning, just in time to have coffee and watch the sun rise, cliche I know but I'm a cliche. Hayes had stood up and offered out a hand to me, I took it and forced my self up. Raking my hands through my hair, just now realizing that I didn't brush it after my shower last night, which means my hair is a crazy bunch of curls. Hayes could tell I was not very pleased with my hair today and smirked.

"Did I tell you this is my favorite time to be with you," He laced his arm around my waist pulling me into kiss my head. "Come on, Ill make you coffee,"

He walked about three feet and got to the little makeshift kitchen. Handing me and cup of tinted water, that would do about as much to wake me up as a warm cup of milk. I hated Hayes coffee but he doesn't let me make up for him, "because your coffee would put people in a caffeine induced coma" I believe were his words. We sat in the middle of the couch, looking out the one good sized window.

We were still driving to the next venue, and wouldn't be there till about noon, which means six hours on a bus. Granted that meant naps, and time to actually relax, but this also was the mid point in the tour. We still had about ten more shows to do, and the shows even for me, were pretty tiring. They weren't even a question for Hayes. He loved doing in but he always looked so exhausted after them. Ive come to learn that a show ending at ten doesn't mean going and sleeping at eleven. It means that you go out to eat, mostly because no one has eaten that day, and then having about an hour of fan meetings in front of the hotel, then going to sleep at around two in the morning. It was fun at first but after about two weeks of no sleep, I was run out.

"Watcha thinkin' about?" Hayes asked nudging my foot.

I shrugged, not wanting to tell him how truly tired I was. "Nothin'"

He grimaced but didn't  push, I knew he wouldn't, we see each other so briefly, the last thing we wanted to do was fight. We never fought, it was actually a little unnatural, like we were too perfect to fight, or we just didn't care enough anymore.

"So what do you want to do when we get to San Fransisco?" He asked, throwing the topic of our last conversation.

"I don't know," I said moving closer to him dragging out my words, "We could go walk around, see the sights." I leaned into his shoulder. 

"Sounds like a good idea," he agreed placing a figure under my chin. "But for now, we have about two or three more hours until everyone wakes up." He gave me a sassy little smirk, I knew that he wanted to 

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Benjamin!"

"Mhmm," He said. He leaned it, but I met him with my lips. Honestly, at this point, we knew how to get to each other after about five months of being together, kissing him was like second nature, he knew how to move with me, our lips in perfect sync.   

"Do you guys mind, not sucking face it too early in the morning for this shit," one of the other girls walked in and remarked. I don't really know heir names, to be honest they have thought that I'm less than sense I started on the road. Who could blame them, its not like I was doing much other than complaining to my self.

"Sorry," we bother muttered, we were the youngest two on the trip, the closest in age to us was a girl that I believe I heard was sixteen.  We separated a slight bit but, Hayes arm was still slung around me, in a casual way.

"Why are you up so early anyways?" she remarked. We both shrugged, both not really wanting to continue the conversation.

She rolled her eyes and retreated to her bunk with whatever she came out to get. Hayes looked back at me giving me a small smile. I returned it, but knew our previous moment was gone.

~

We got to the venue a little later than previously thought. It was about two when we go there, meaning Hayes was whisked away and I was left in my small empty hotel room. This was by far the worst, just waiting for him to get back, moping around, it was pathetic.

I'm so over this thought of being the pathetic little girlfriend, I cant follow him around like a little puppy anymore. I'm always complaining about how its boring and Hayes and I are weighing each other down, and now I know the solution, I already had a scape-goat.

I got out a little piece of paper, and jotted down everything I had had on my mind for the past month. I left nothing else, I didn't even sign the bottom, I just wrote "I'm Sorry-M" and a little heart. The tears welled up in my eyes as a threw in one of Hayes old tee shirts, and then quickly tore it out of my case. No part of me wanted to do this, but all of me knew it was what I had to do.

I wiped a small tear away as I exited the elevator, but my expression stayed stony. Hoping I would never have to see him, thankfully crowds concealed me. I caught a glimpse of him though my peripheral view as I was leaving. He was running around the hotel and laughing, I hope he stays like that.

After hailing a cab to the bus station, it all came to me. It was over, it was the end.