Not Crazy. {Book 1}

Chapter 3

JJ's Pov:

*flashback*

"Just do it" I said giving up.

My voice was weak, along with my body.

I had dry tears stained on my face from crying so much, my eyes were puffy and my throat hurt so much.

"If you insist." He said through his evil smile that give you chills.

He held the knife to my throat, when there was a gun shot.

Two.

Three.

Four.

I lost track after that, because the yelling covered it up.

He looked at me and then dropped the knife in the ground making a loud noise.

I saw something in his eyes, fear.

But only for a second, because then he left the room, escaping.

A few seconds later, another man came in and picked up the knife.

He held it to my throat, and I knew.

He was going to get free, this man was covering for him.

I knew what was going to happen.

I wanted it to happen.

I didn't deserve to live, if I couldn't even save my own son, how was I supposed to live with myself?

The door swung open as Emily and Hotch came through.

And the man fell to the ground.

And that's when everything changed.

Emily immediately ran over to me and managed to get me down.

"Are you okay?" She asked worried.

"I'm fine. Go by Henry. He needs help." I pleaded not looking at the ground at my sons body.

She nodded and went over to help him even though I knew there was nothing else she could do.

There was nothing else anyone could do to help him, he was gone.

That's when I ran after the man that started this all.

*end of flashback*

I stared at the ground still, my heart hurting.

Those memories were the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Correction, are still the worst thing that happened to me.

My eyes were red and puffy, and my throat was extremely dry, wanting water.

But I didn't want to get up.

I didn't want to move, or breathe.

I haven't moved at all since they all left, which was whatever hours ago.

I lost track after three hours.

I just didn't want to count anymore.

It was now five at night though.

Sure I could do easy math right there but my head hurt.

I was tired.

My head leaned against the door, trying to stop myself from thinking.

From remembering.

But I couldn't, I couldn't stop think about what I could've done right.

Maybe Henry would still be alive if I could've saved him.

Maybe everything would be different.

"I'm Okay." I whispered to myself in my scratchy voice.

Maybe I wasn't fine.

But I know I wasn't crazy.

I've seen crazy.

I still remember when he visited me at the hospital.

Just before Emily came, that's when I broke that mirror.

That's when I tried killing myself.

A small knock on the door made me snap out of my thoughts.

But I didn't move.

"JJ?" Hotch's voice asked through the door.

I stayed silent.

"JJ I know your in there." He said in that stern voice he has.

"Emily hasn't stopped crying since she came home from here. She told me what you said to her, and I think that you didn't mean it." He paused waiting for me to answer.

I held my breath, waiting for him to continue talking.

"I think your still going through things and she was just there, so you snapped at her."

I closed my eyes taking another deep breath.

"And what you said really did hurt her. This all has been hard on all of us."

I stood up against my own will and opened the door quickly.

Surprising both him and me.

"I'm so sorry that she can't handle the truth. I did mean it. Every single word I said I meant it. And you don't get to tell me when you think I'm hurting. You don't get to hurt over this."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked surprised by my voice.

"It means that your guilty. I know you are. You didn't visit me. You didn't call because your guilty. You didn't tell Emily the truth to why you wouldn't visit me, I doubt you told anyone. But I know why, because you and my horrible ex-husband couldn't watch my son and were stupid enough to leave him alone for even the smallest second and that's why he's dead. If you would've watched him, if you would've got the best protective custody people he would still be alive! But he's dead now! Because of you and Will. So don't tell me when I'm hurting. Don't try to get me to apologize to Emily because she deserves no apology. You guys got married without me! She's obviously pregnant thats why shes so emotional, and didn't even bother to tell me, so why should I tell you guys how I really feel? Why should I forgive you? Why should I even be talking to you? I don't have to do anything. You let her take me to that hospital. You didn't try to stop her. You thought I was crazy when I'm not. So goodbye. And don't bother ever talking to me again, you don't need to feel sorry for me anymore."

I slammed the door on phis face, locked it, and stormed down the hallway into my bedroom.

I was surprised by what I said.

I never used to talk to anyone that way, I hated people who did because they were always so mean, but now I know they were probably in as much pain as me.

My body ached, and I don't even know why, I haven't done anything.

But once I laid down in my bed, I started feeling nothing.

It was like everything I was feeling just disappeared, like maybe everything was finally over.

And that's when the phone rang.

I groaned as I picked up the home phone next to me because I had my cellphone taken away.

My body went stiff as I read the screen,

Unknown.