Trapped

32

I never thought I'd be in this position now. I never thought I'd be laying here, underneath this boy. The boy that used to irritate me beyond belief. The boy that spontaneously kissed me one evening and I was confused out of my fucking mind. I'm glad he did it though, im glad he did because if he didn't this... whatever the fuck we have wouldn't be real. I remember feeling so much regret when I got home that night. I was a complete bitch after he kissed me, I just couldn't get my head around it. I just couldn't understand why he did it no matter how much I tried.

Why would anyone like me? What did I have? I've known enough pretty girls in my lifetime to know what boys like: Skinny, pretty, usually blonde, quirky, funny but not stand up comedian funny, funny like she knows a few knock knock jokes. shit like that, all the shit im not. Blonde is probably the only thing I am that fits the qualities, so why would he kiss me? I thought. I'm none of those things, so he's kissing me for a joke surely. A game, he must be playing a game. I stayed up all that night thinking of all the horrible reasons I could of the reason behind him kissing me. The only one I didn't cross was that he actually liked me.

I went back to him still, even after believing him kissing me was part of some sick twisted joke. I still went back, I don't know what the fuck brought me back there but I'm glad I did. He didn't care, he wasn't phased at all. He's a nice guy, I doubt he could deny me even if he wanted to. The only time he's a dickhead is when he's mad. That's another reason I don't get why he even wanted to be around me. I was implosive, I was angry, I was a bitch. I still am all those things and he was tolerant, and patient, and kind, maybe that's why we fit? Unless he snapped into pure rage we were polar opposites. Whenever he got to that point of anger though I stopped him, i calmed him. I hate violence, a little argument is fine but punching and shit is crossing the line. I'd let myself get arrested for assault before I ever let Shawn. He's not going back to that hell hole. Ever.

I helped him get here, I helped him turn his life around and from here on out im just going to keep making it better. And I'm going to move up with him. I don't know how, im going to go to the detention centre in a month and a half and be happy there. I'm going to help more people, hopefully as many as I can. I never thought I would enjoy it though. I never thought I would enjoy this shit, not for a split second. Helping other people? The thought almost sounded disgusting at one point. I only cared about ourself.

I guess that's what happens when you find someone you love. When you find someone to care about you just grow an immunity to it? I guess. Seeing shawn developed the way he has is such a good feeling. Knowing I did that and helped him be a better person, is a good feeling. And I would love to feel it again, help another person. I know that's what I want to do with myself now.

Fuck my mom and her stupid morals. Her idea of me becoming this big business woman like her. That's not going to happen. That wasn't going to happen anyway regardless if I knew I wanted to do anything else. I'm not going to look down on people and take advantage of those I know can't do anything back because I'm their boss. It makes me nauseous thinking about it, whenever my mom would tell me how she fired someone for giving her a dirty look I would feel sick. That someone could treat another like that.

"Morning." Shawn groans into my neck. His arms around my waist and his legs tangled with mine. I hope last night was as good for him as it was for me. I hope I didn't completely ruin his first time, with my lack of experience.

"Morning." I thread my fingers through his hair. I feel calm, this doesn't feel as awkward as I assumed. I have questions yes, but I feel comfortable around him to ask them... with me and Aaron it was nothing like this, and feeling the difference between the two... situations is making me realise how much better it is with Shawn, how it means so much more, more than I could ever think.