Trapped

38

I've read that stupid note a hundred times. i'm speechless. i'm feeling so many feelings that i don't know what the fuck i'm feeling at the same time. Shawn left me? to 'better himself' ? How fucking selfish, he was already bettering himself, he was bettering himself with me, i did everything for him, i gave him a place to live, i fed him. He wouldn't even be in the position he is now without me, and what's wrong with bettering himself with me? isnt it better that we grown and develop with each other, we become better people together.

My laptop starts vibrating and its my dad coming in for a video call. i quickly wipe my tears and tie up my hair so hopefully he thinks my red eyes are from me just waking up. i answer with my biggest fake smile, he looks so tanned, his smile is huge and his beard is coming in.

"hey hunny!" he says with excitement. at least someone's happy.

"hey." i say as happily as possible, pushing the thought of dumbass Shawn to the back of my head.

"Oh it's so great here hunny, the people are amazing, the kids are amazing, it's so fulfilling to spend everyday with these people, to hear their stories. To know the pain they've been through and to know how much i'm helping them, they're so much more than just a project to me now, theyre my friends. and it may sound crazy but your mother... your mother loves it here, she loves helping other people, and she's been so much kinder to me Ella... she's like the woman i first fell in love with... this place is just amazing."

i'm glad that my father is happy, i'm quite glad my mother is too, maybe she wont be such a bitch when she gets back.

"that's so great dad, i'm glad you're happy." i smile and his smile grows wider.

"I know i said we'd be back in two months but... we've decided to stay longer, are you okay with that?"

although i could really do with the comfort of my father right now i can't tell him what happened, I can't tell him that Shawn's free, and has been living here, then broke my heart and left, my dad will be pissed off and probably will be too angry to comfort me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I can't tell him about Vic, I have to let her explain what happened with her life on her own.

"Yeah that's fine, as long as you're happy, honestly i'm fine. i start my new job soon, and I'll be going back to school as well, i have Aaron.. and Leila, i'm fine honestly." I really do want my dad back but i can't take away his happiness, he doesn't deserve to be in this house in a pit of depression and loneliness with me. "how...how much longer were you planning to stay?"

"a month... maybe two... we'll be back before christmas, I promise." he stutters. two months.... that's a long fucking time without my father, i hope victoria comes back from London soon, so she can help me through this, because i feel bad to keep pestering my dad, i need a friend.

"That's fine. just remember to talk to me everyday okay? even if the wifi is shit." i chuckle.

"of course." he smiles.

We talk for the next hour, he talks about the office they've opened down there, i'm still not entirely sure of my parents job but i pretend to act interested, he talks about how my mom has started meditating, how she's so much calmer, how he hasn't exactly fallen back in love with her but he's slowly starting to love her again, he said a piece of him will love her forever but now that she's happy it's so much easier to tolerate her, and to be with her. I hope this business of cheating on her is over then, i hate my mom but no one deserves that.

When he hangs up i pick up my phone and call Leila. I wish i could talk to aaron but he wouldn't be the best person to get advice from when it comes to Shawn, especially after how angry he got when Shawn disappeared the first time.

"Hey! what's up! haven't heard from you in a while! you're back from london then?" she asks, i forgot the last time i spoke to her was when i left, i didnt even tell her Shawn got arrested, and we got kicked out the country.

"yeah... uh, i actually just need someone to talk to right now. could you come to my house? and not tell aaron? please."

"Is this about Shawn?" is it that obvious?

"its about everything, please come."

"okay, i'll be there in ten." she says and hangs up.

its more than about Shawn to be honest. my mom and dad want me to move to fucking india, my boyfriend left me, my sister is angry at me, i'll have to deal with the consequences of whatever happens.

"he left? what a piece of shit!" Leila says when i show her the note Shawn left me.

"please... if i wanted that response i would've called Aaron." i groan.

"have you told aaron."

"of course not, I'd rather find shawn first then when he's back tell Aaron, that way he can't really freak out because it won't matter anymore."

"El... we... we can't go find Shawn, let's be honest." Leila says and i look at her in confusion.

"why the fuck not?" why can't we go and find him? we did it before? and this is his home? no way am i letting him sleep on the street.

"El, he's a good guy, he's literally gone to try and better himself... why don't you let him..."

"because... because he's already the best he can be... he's perfect."

"yeah to you. Face it, he has no money, he's completely dependent on you, a seventeen year old girl and really has nothing he can call his own. you even buy his clothes... he must feel like a piece of shit, and it's a good thing that he wants to make a life for himself instead of using you... and in the note he said he's coming back."

"yeah when he's got his own apartment and shit! do you know how long that's going to take? what if i've moved on!"

"then you've moved on... that's life. not all relationships last forever."

"this one would've! i mean... it will, once we find hi-"

"Ella can you fucking listen to me. Imagine you being so completely dependent on someone, having nothing to your name, no education, job or even family? it's embarrassing, it's refreshing that after all he's been through he wants to do something with his life... and you have to let him. if you really loved him you'd let him do this. you can't trap him here forever. when you start work and we go back to school is he just going to sit here like a house wife and wait for you to get home? would you not rather him come home from work, complaining about his day, him treating you to dinner, buying you gifts, inviting you to his apartment on the weekends... it will be good for the both of you. you can't continue like this, especially at your age."

i take in all she said and it hurts so much, it hurts even more because i know its true. i know Shawn needs this but i can't bare to let him go, i can't bare that he's left me. i finally break down in tears and sob into Leila's chest as she holds me. Shawn is actually gone.