Soul Mates [ON HOLD]

Torment

Waking up was awkward, especially when I wake up screaming like every other time I fall asleep. This time was different though. It wasn't my relatives tormenting me this time, it was Riley.

Everything else was the exact same as the other dreams, the same abuse, the same names and the same nasty things but this time it was Riley doing and saying them. I take a deep breath and when I open my eyes, I'm not surprised to see someone there.

I knew someone was going to be there but I wasn't expecting Riley to be there. He stood there and was staring at me, his eyes wide as saucers. I could tell he hadn't had a clue what to do and to be honest, I had no clue what to do either.

We kind of just stared at each other for a bit, neither of us moving or speaking until finally after what felt like half an hour, he backed up and left me alone. He freaked out.

I didn't blame him, I didn't hold it against him. I would have freaked out too. I sigh and just lay in bed. I didn't have the energy to get up. I felt hungry but I couldn't eat, I know it would be a waste of time. This afternoon was draining and all I wanted to do was sleep but I was terrified.

I didn't want to fall asleep, I didn't want to have a nightmare. So I stuck with laying in bed and staring up at the roof. I don't know how long I stayed like that, minutes, hours, I have no idea. I was aware of people coming in, speaking to me but I couldn't respond, I could barely hear them. Like I was under water but obviously, I wasn't.

I picked up the worried tone in their voices but I still couldn't assure them that I was fine. Because I wasn't. I was still terrified. Terrified of feeling like this, terrified of never being normal.

Normal? What even is normal? All I've known is abuse, alcohol and death. I relied on Google to teach me and the television and authors. I had no one I could rely on, no one to trust and I want that.

Jess was starting to get that trust, the trust I've never given anyone before.

I felt the tickle of a tear slide down my face and someone wipe it away, I didn't even flinch. I felt the bed dip and a body press against my side. I didn't know who it was and I didn't care.

Again, I didn't even flinch.

I wasn't sure when my eyes had closed but the sun was now streaming though the curtains. I was glad to be alone because honestly, I would have freaked out if someone was beside me. I didn't know who was in bed with me last night and I didn't want to know.

I climbed out of bed and went to my closet. I stopped half way there though. I didn't wake up screaming. I woke up on my own and I slept the full night. I small smile found its way on my lips and I continued to get clothes.

Once showered, I headed down stairs, I wasn't too keen about seeing everyone though. The living room was empty and Jess and Ronnie were at the table. They gave me worried looks but otherwise didn't say anything while I made coffee.

'Where's Riley?' I ask.

'He uh, he left last night' Jess says.

'I freaked him out didn't I?' My eyes grow wide. I was about to freak out.

'No, no, he just wanted sleep in his bed' Ronnie assures me.

'Are you sure?' I didn't know if they were trying to make me feel better but I knew I had definately freaked Riley out. 'I'm sorry about last night' I duck my head in embarassment.

'Don't be sorry' Jess tells me.

'I'm serious, I'm sorry if I worried you or scared you, I'm like camatose in those kind of moods, I hear you and I'm aware you're there but I can't respond or move'

'How often does that happen?' Ronnie asks me.

I shrug 'Depends on the situation, I had a pretty hectick evening, I terrified myself and went to that place'

'Riley's had some anger issues since Kayla and he doesn't know how to handle you' Jess tells me. 'You're so different and innocent, he doesn't know how to act'

'You mean I'm broken?' I half smiled. They give me sympathetic smiles but they don't deny it, they knew I was right. 'I didn't mean to freak him out so can you let him know I'm sorry' I say. Stiffly Ronnie nodded.

'Why haven't you asked about Kayla?' Jess frowns.

'Not my business' I shrug 'Besides, I don't want Riley knowing my secrets and torments'

'Good point' Jess nods in understanding. I was curious, sure, but it had nothing to do with me.

A week passes and Riley doesn't come by often. He barely speaks to me at work and it's starting to bother me. I didn't really want him to hate me for it. I couldn't help the nightmares but still, someone like Riley, a guy I don't even know let alone like could make me feel so shitty.

Everyone was picking up on my bad mood, even though I tried to be nice and polite to the interviewees, I slipped a couple of times. We did end up with one new guy, he was a big burly bloke, used to work at a car repair shop a few towns over until he moved here.

He knew what he was doing. Ronnie approved of him and was proud I made the right choice. Haley was back in today, her breaks squealing.

Not sure if you could actually fuck that up on your own though.

'I got you this' Jess brings me a sandwich.

'Thanks' I smile 'But I'm not hungry'

'You have to eat something' she sighs. 'You didn't eat dinner, you didn't eat breakfast and to be honest, I don't think I seen you eat anything in three days' I knew she was worrying and I didn't know what to do.

'I just don't have an appetite' I shrug. Honestly, this mood I've been in, I hadn't even realised I hadn't eaten.

'Sonny' Ronnie sighs.

'Please, don't' I hold my hand up. 'I am fine'

'Clearly not' Riley scoffs.

I ignore him. 'This is your fault' Ronnie snaps.

'How is this my fault' Riley asks.

'It's no ones fault' I call over them. 'Can we not do this here?' The new guy was staring and I didn't want him to think I was a freak too.

'Ever since you disappeared she's been like this' Ronnie ignores me and continues to snap at his friend 'She thinks she freaked you out and you barely even look in her direction'

'Why does it even matter?' Riley was getting upset.

'Guys, stop fighting' I call.

'Because look at her' Ronnie almost screams.

'Ronnie' I scream. He snaps out of it and everyone is looking at me 'Don't be a wanker, I am right here, I can speak for myself. Riley has nothing to do with this' I lie.

'Everyone just calm down' Jess tries to calm the atmosphere.

'I am fucked up because of me' I stress 'This has nothing to do with Riley, like honestly, this is nothing compared to what I've been like'

Someone tries to speak but I hold my hand up 'I've gone weeks without food before and I haven't even realised it. Stop fighting' I get up and walk out.

Thankfully, it's not a far walk and thankfully, no one followed me. I had to do it though, I needed to feel that relief. As soon as I walked through the door, I went to the bathroom, dug for the blade and ran my shower.

I sighed as I felt the stinging of the blade across my skin. Some people don't know why or even how people can cut but honestly, it relieves so much anger and pain. I can't even explain it.