Soul Mates [ON HOLD]

Ignorance

Jess was there when I got out of the shower. Not in my room because that would be just creepy but she was waiting down stairs. 'I'm sorry' I tell her as I sit down at the table.

'You don't need to apologise Sonny' Jess sighs.

'But I do' I remind her 'I know you're all worried and concerned and damn it, Ronnie started a fight with his Best Friend over me, I don't want that so I'm sorry I worry you all and I'm sorry Ronnie and Riley are fighting'

'But it is because of Riley isn't it?' Jess asks me.

I stare at her a minute, there was no point denying 'I feel like an idiot. Riley and I aren't even friends, we can't even hold a civil conversation but still, the thought of him not being around because of me, it cracks something and each day he ignores me, those cracks get bigger and I don't know why' I ran my hands over my face 'I don't know why I care so much about his opinion and I don't know why I freaked him out. I didn't mean to, it's not my fault but I still feel like it is an I just can't deal with that. I don't realise I'm not eating, honestly' It felt good to get that off my chest. I've never spoken out loud my issues and my feelings before but it did feel like the weight has been lifted.

'Riley is a complicated guy' Jess tells me 'You didn't freak him out, he freaked himself out because he understands you, he understands your pain and he doesn't want to. It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. It's him who is being a dick'

'How could he understand my pain?' I whisper 'Don't get me wrong, I'm sure something horrible happened with Kayla and he's haunted by that but the things I've been through, my torment is so much worse'

'Is it?' Jess raises an eye brow. 'Yes, he lost the love of his life but the pain is still there, hitting him like freight train everytime he opens his eyes. He has scars too, just not physical ones like you do'

'It's still a different kind of pain Jess and I'm not trying to say that I hurt worse than him because I don't, I mean, I don't know if I do. Sure, he understands the pain but not my pain, just the pain he feels'

'Maybe this is a conversation you should have with Riley' Jess tells me softly, quickly and gently rubbing my hand.

'I don't think that's a good idea' I tell her 'I'm sure he hates me, I mean I feel like an attention seeker when I don't want to be'

'Who knows, maybe he can help you' Jess stands and I feel the tears prick my eyes but I keep them at bay.

'I can't be fixed Jess' I swallow the tears down 'I'm too fucked up for that' Now it was my turn to leave.

I needed to get my act together. I need to at least pretend that I'm alright, I need them to stop worrying because it scares me. Scares me to know that they actually care.

I decided that I needed to keep busy. Dad and I used to go out in the garden every week. He only drank when the sun went down so the days weren't too bad. I decided to give it a shot so I put my shoes on and went out the front.

I don't know how long I was out there but I got all the weeds out and the flower beds were looking pretty good. They were beautiful before but now they were neat and tidy, no weeds.

I found myself stepping back and actually smiling. Really smiling at my work. 'Did you do that?' I jump and turn to see Ronnie and Riley. I hadn't even heard them pull up.

'Yeah' I nod, still smiling. 'Sorry I skipped out on work' I turn back to the garden bed.

'Sorry we faught and were yelling' Ronnie replies. I nod and send him a small smile before we all head inside. It was still a beautiful day so I grabbed a book Jess had brought for me, my iPod, phone and head phones before going back out the front. I go lay on my stomach infront of the garden bed, press play and open the book.