Before I start.. this letter is probably going to be really sad but please bare with me.
Dear Parents,
Where do I begin? There is so much I want to get out and I already am starting to tear up. I don't want to be ungrateful.. so let me start off positive. Thank you for giving birth to me on June 2, 1995. I shall never get over that birth date because well I was born on that day, why wouldn't I be happy? The second thing is that I'm thankful that you guys had me or I wouldn't be able to experience anything in my life. But now.. that's where the happy ends and I go into the dark place...
Mom, my real mom to be exact, I don't want to be selfish.. but did you ever think about how it would affect me when you abandoned me? All those night knowing my mom wasn't my real mom? I don't even know, I don't know your face, how you talk, how you dress, what you were like? I feel like something is missing within myself... I always wonder what would it be like to know you...What it would be like for you to be there for me and hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don't even have a mother right now... I mean, I know you did it for certain reasons but you were selfish yourself. I don't want to judge you off of what my family has told me about you but there's nothing else to go on...they knew you and I didn't... You were selfish because you decided that drugs, alcohol, and smoking was so much more important than quiting even for your own flesh and blood. You were selfish because you didn't stop to consider maybe it wasn't best for me to live in a house with all your family smoking. Didn't you think I wouldn't have gotten sick? I could have almost died. You were selfish because you didn't stop even when I was inside you. You couldn't stop and I just don't understand why. i want to understand why you never stopped. I want to understand why you even started. I want to believe that you were inflicted by your family, I really do. But it's a choice someone makes on their own and I don't understand. And I desperately want to because you are my mother. It's sad because I know there are a lot of other people that don't have mothers out there... they are just like me.. and I speak for them when I say it sucks sometimes.. You wish your mom was in your life even if they bug you.. but your mother is the one you should always be close with... I want to know so much about where I came from from my mothers side but I can't which only makes me guess on who I am.. Sad that you can do that do me right? You don't even know that you can affect me that way? If you knew what leaving me did... well you would lose yourself too. To think I didn't even know you existed til I turned 14? Yeah.. I'm hurt by the people around me still.. I take what I have and thankful for it.. but there will always be that part that is missing which is you...They said if I had a chance to meet you would I? my first reply was no I would rather settle for a picture.. because I was slightly mad that you left me.. but now.. I say.. there is a part of me that wants to know you and forgive you but I don't think there will ever be a chance like that in this lifetime.
Dad, for all the stories that I've heard about you... it's like I don't even know you... You make the STUPIDEST decisions and I can't even believe you are my father... in a nice way tho.. I mean you are the definition of a epitome of a human. You make mistakes and a lot of them were of me... The first being getting pregnant with my real mom... What were you thinking when you made me? You guys weren't even married and then you guys didn't last and you eventually left her because she was supposedly crazy? Then you meet a woman and she is supposedly the one you marry but I didn't even know til a couple of weeks ago that you didn't even want to introduce me? I was the one to run up to you? Does that scream BEST DAD IN THE WORLD or what? I mean, were you that ashamed of having me in your life? I know that's not true but sometimes if you hear that like I did you can't help but feel that way.. That your dad was ashamed of you... I get it's hard for people to introduce their kids to someone but I was your only DAUGHTER. There are many dads and many moms out there that are PROUD of their children and they make them known really fast in the relationship but you didn't. And the fact that you married a psycho for a bride? I wish I knew better than what I did when I was younger because I would scream to you that I don't like her! The things she did to me daddy... If only you knew... It's hard to hear that you weren't even the one to take care of me most of the time. That my aunts and grandmas and who ever else had to... It seems like everyone else loves me slightly more than you or anyone else does. It's not that you didn't take care of me when I was younger but you didn't really take care of me as I got older either... You would always leave me to my brother and sister while you either "Pay the bills" or go "golfing" yeah okay.. and if you weren't doing that you were sleeping and didn't want to be bothered. How many times a week do you not want to be bothered? I had to grow up fast because I had to. I was always the one to look out for everyone BUT myself.. do you even realize all the nights Ive cried? And sometimes I only wanted my dad there for me and not throwing me under the pits of hell most of the nights and agreeing with the DEVIL OF A MOTHER. You think she was so nice and everything but I tell you love is blind... you know whats more nuts than a person who smokes, does drugs, and drinks? Someone who is mentally unstable and very abusive to someone.. at least my real mom was nice... according to my family. All the times you weren't there when I needed you most.. I think you were too blind to see it too... I remember this one time where i leaned into your arm and held on because I saw other girls with their dad and I got sad because I wasn't that close to you... you asked me whats wrong? Are you tired? I said no.. but I never gave you the real reason.. I just wanted to be close to my dad but I hesitantly let go because you didn't even do anything about it.. I sucked it up and just kept walking on.. Those times where you wrapped yourself up around me while I cried... those are the times I remember and treasure the most because those were so rare.. Those times were the only really good thing.. the rest are just bad.. like the times you would almost nearly really hurt me... I just have to say that you really have a hot temper.. like really.. anger management is what you need.. but now your not even here.. I haven't seen you for a couple years now and it sucks because I miss you and every time I hear your voice I die a little more inside because.. I don't have any parents with me... your supposed to be here taking care of me yet again I'm here trying to take care of you or will have to take care of you? Why is it that I always end up taking care of someone? I don't complain about it because I rather do something like that than not care for anyone at all but yet.. I'm slightly sad because no one takes care of me.. well of course there is your sister, my aunt which is so nice when it comes to taking care of me.. at times its bad but others it's not and she is the one to take care of me as a baby too so I really can't complain about that but she isn't my mom.. or my real parents.. and just like her not wanting full custody of me.. I don't want to see her as a real parent.. I'm really torn about this... I love you and I hope to see you soon.. but there was just somethings I had to get off my chest.
To my second mom, well what can I say. You made my life a living hell and I blame and hate you for it. Good job. Not literally. Did you get your wish? To hurt and break me? Traumatize me for life? Scar me for life? Because you did. Congratulations. Even if I wasn't your child you could have treated me as a decent human being. You need some serious help. I feel sorry for your two kids, my two siblings because they have to grow up with you as their mother. I can't believe you would need someone to put down all the time. Look in the mirror before you say anything. I wish I had the balls to actually say something to you because you pushed me the wrong way the whole time. You kicked me out of the house, put me down with words, abused me physically when you could, and I did nothing because I was scared. SO many times did I want to run away and never come back, leave everything behind and look for better. SO many times I wanted to stick up for myself but I only did that once and it felt good but not as many as I wanted to. You said I always had an attitude or always talked back at you.. well I wonder why. You are a horrible person and I was just trying to kill you with kindness at the end of the road.. and guess what? You actually admitted that you knew what you were doing to me. You were such a bully and I really hope you don't do that to my brother and sister. They deserve so much more than that. I'm just going to come out and say it but you were a real B*tch. All the antics you pulled I will NEVER forget.. like how you called the cops on me or how you almost beat me with a pole? To shaking me and pulling me by the ear and hair and throwing things at me.... GOSH YOU ARE CRAZY! I think you know it too... you even said "I'm going crazy brittanee and I like it" while banging the pole on the bed.. you need help... that is all I have to say. Thanks for making me a stronger person though because if I didn't get through what you put me through I wouldn't be able to handle worse situations. But thanks for the anxiety and trauma that will always be in me.. that will never go away thanks to you. I don't even open myself fully to anyone because I'm scared to get hurt like you hurt me.. you really made me feel like I wasn't loved. You have placed so many insecurity down on me I don't even have enough space to write them all... You basically ruined with whatever chance I had of a childhood.. a real happy one.. Thanks for the all the lies you to told me and thank the Lord I'm away from you. I know it all sounds mean but this is a letter that came from my heart so I'm sorry if there is hatred in it for you, not enough pity, or not enough appreciation. You kind of screwed me up in the head and well.. you will never really change...
Brittanee.
