Dear Dad,
You won't really be able to understand everything I have been through... Every slightest emotion I felt.. how you were gone most of the time to even realize what was happening to your own daughter. I don't even think you realize what you have done to me now. I want to tell you how broken I was and how til this day still mending the pieces together. I want to be able to tell you how I messed up and how many guys that I've been with or how many have broken my heart.. I want to tell you about how I wanted you to be my shoulder to cry on.. I wish I could tell you how much I just needed your love. Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong.. How I'm such a bad daughter sometimes.. I just wish i could tell you how much it hurt for you to sit there and not do anything a lot of the time.. What it feels like for you to be able to just let everyone else take care of me? Do you honestly think that makes me happy? That my own dad won't even take care of his own daughter? Ever think I needed you? That I needed you to stick up for me? That I needed you to be proud of me? I needed you.. but you were and aren't there. I wish I could be open with you with everything but I don't think you would listen.. your probably would just yell at me over the phone.. you probably wouldn't think twice of not speaking to me just like how nannay says she doesn't care about me and how she doesn't need me and all that sometimes.. of how mommy got upset she wouldn't talk to me and I would feel ignored.. well do you honestly know how many times I felt ignored? unloved? hopeless? Like everything around me didn't matter and I was trying to cling on to as much sanity that I had left? Have you ever felt that way? I want to tell you these things. I want to tell you how painful it was and how you being away is only more painful.. Sometimes I wonder when I'll ever get love that I deserve.. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it at all.. Well I don't think you even knew that you made me feel some of that stuff... to feel like you didn't love me.. abandoned me.. didn't care for me.. that's probably why I don't believe many people when they tell me they love me or will be there for me or that they care for me.. it's sometimes hard to believe. Usually problems start at home right? You don't even realize how many problems had started with you and mommy.. idk I wish I could tell you everything but I can't.. it's just too hard to let all my feeling emotions collide for you.. because I don't think when I start, I'll be able to stop.. and then I'll be crying and won't be able to help the tears from falling.. I just want you to know that even when you broke me.. you and mommy made me stronger too.. I know how to take care of others. I know how to be a friend. I know how to be there for someone. I know that no matter what happens in life, even when bricks are being dropped on your chest, there will always be a little hope to get you through.. you just have to keep having faith. Which I think I will always have.
your daughter,
Brittanee.
