diary of an anonymous author

hi thoughts

there were so many things i had to type

i fear my brain, especially under the influence of marijuana, gets too excited and my ADHD comes over and i get decision paralysis BAD. because there's so many things to think about and do and THINK ABOUT.

but, honestly, i'm letting the flow go.

but, i first want to talk about... tom sawyer. oh, sweet tom sawyer. i actually don't love the thought of thinking of this man as a child whitewashing a fence. SO, we're gonna call him Tim Sawyer. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TIM.

So first and foremost, he is my boyfriend of about... 17 days ago (math is hard). we've been seeing each other since april of this year. (i am very scared to write anything further because what if this is a jinx...).

ACTUALLY, let me first talk about my fear with Tim. Since Tim and I first started seeing each other, I've been panicked about "jinxing" this. i'm too scared to write about him in my journal. when i mention him and people ask i'm scared to say boyfriend. i'm scared to post him on my main story. i'm scared for him to meet my parents. i'm scared of writing about him HERE. i didn't put the day we started dating in my calendar as a repeating event. i didn't put his name in my phone until he noticed. i'm scared to post him on social media. i didn't put his birthday in my calendar until he clocked it.

these all happened NOT in this order btw. but IT'S INSANE RIGHT? realized i should probably take my meds here but BUTTERCUP (? keeping track of aliases is hard) laid down on me so sweetly. I go from being so comfortable and happy to so so anxious and scared. I can't relax. I'm scared I'm gonna fuck it up. I'm scared he's gonna fuck it up. I'm scared that it's going to go so horribly wrong.

i'm terrified of even writing all the things i love about him because i'm going to look foolish. i'm going to look and be so in love and he's not and then something bad will happen and we'll break up. i have such severe anxiety about this man, but that's really because i'm so crazy about him. cue anxiety spike

the truth is future k. i fell for him fast and hard. and that's so terrifying because at literally any second he could pull the rug out from under me. and he alread knows how i feel. my DUMBAsS couldn't keep it to myself. so he's known. and that does make it so much worse.

again, this isn't always, so i clearly am in a very elevated state and most definitely need to go to sleep. but i do want to say...

i really do adore this man, through and through. he consistently does his best to do literally anything i ask, all the time. he brings me flowers on my birthday. he always showers before he comes over. he doesn't think i get too drunk allegedly. he doesn't think i'm negative allegedly. he thinks i'm fun and cool and pretty and smart. he always asks me if i want something before he comes over. he brings me my favorite alcoholic bev. he writes down my orders in my contact in his phone. he always, always, always hypes me up. he sits on the phone with me and listens to me yap on my drives home. he makes me laugh on a consistent basis. he always wants to hear my issues, even if they're unreasonable. and he's trying really hard to get over his issues to work in our relationship. HE ALWAYS ALWAYS pays, like it isn't an option. he always drives. idek, i could genuinely go on and on and on.

it's not perfect, don't get me wrong. but he's trying and i am too.

and that's what makes anything worthwhile.

idk, i'm really excited.

i haven't had someone gives songs new meanings or make life so happy and comfortable in a long while. i haven't someone make me feel... like i'm 16 again in a long time. but that's only half and half. on the same hand that i feel like "giddy" with a crush, i feel like this is is the closest thing to an adult relationship i've had. lethardnon and i were really young teenagers (i just turned 25 and am wondering if i'm actively feeling my frontal lobe develop) and logan was just some... weird post college dude i dated for a few months. but this feels like the potential to be something so so so real. incredibly tangible.

i'll keep you updated.

future k,

i just wanted you to know i'm not really listening to a song, but i am watching meet the robinsons. only took a week to finish it.

AHHH i'm so excited. this one is a good one :)