"Jason," Dr. Palmer nodded as he entered our home.
"Hi Dr. Palmer. Uhm, she's upstairs. Follow me," my voice was shaky as I started up the stairs with him following me.
Last night Emily didn't even let me sleep with her. I had made a bed for Kyler on the living room floor and slept on the couch so I could tend to his needs throughout the night.
My life is so empty right now. Kyler only reminds me of Emily which is extremely odd considering he is younger version of me. Waking up with him at night reminded me of how she would wake up with him. I wanted to watch her care for our son again. He doesn't deserve this, he deserves his loving mother that I know she is, that he grew to love.
During the night, Kyler had awaken, crying for a bottle. He urged for his mommy to feed him and make him smile. He had cried every time I took the bottle from him to burp him, only making me cry worse. He sensed that something was wrong and he couldn't do anything about it because he is just too vulnerable. And I can't help but feel just as vulnerable. Is that wrong of me? To feel vulnerable when I'm not even the one losing a loved one? But I am losing a loved one - a person that I love is slowly slipping away, taking half of me with her.
"She's in here," my broken voice shook as I spoke. Dr opened the door and took one look at Emily before sighing.
"Emily," he slowly walked towards her. Her gaze didn't even switch from the wall, she completely ignored his presence.
"You don't have to talk to me, Emily but if you could sit up that'd be nice," Dr. Palmer smiled at her, trying to lighten the mood. The depressing mood that lingered through the room only to spill out into the rest of the house when the bedroom door was to be opened. Her depression affected her family, and even the house - if that makes since.
She took Dr. Palmer and I by surprise when she put her arms behind her and hoisted herself up only to lean against the headboard for support. That was completely fine with me, though. She needs support. Support that I'm not able to provide. She made that very clear.
"Thank you," he spoke with caution and sat his brief case down at the end of the bed before undoing the clips and opening it up.
"Are you going to take the pain away?" She spoke for the first time and even though they were eight simple words, they tore my world apart. Stripped me from the last thread that I was griping, hoping and praying I wouldn't let go of because my life depended on it. Kyler's life depended on it.
"Only you can do that, Emily," he reminded her.
"How do I do that?" Her hoarse voice spoke back. Every sentence she spoke made that piece of thread tear a little more. Just a little, but a little can be a lot.
"Let your family be there for you. Let Jason hold you, hold Kyler in your arms and look into his eyes. Maybe you'll see the little bit of you that is still here, in them."
"I can't," tears poured her eyes, making my heart ache that much more.
"I know that this is going to be a process. Healing is a process by itself, so give it time," he spoke as he took out his materials, "but you are carrying a baby Emily, a baby needs food. You need to eat and you need to sleep. Can you do that for me?"
Shrugging her shoulders as to show that she isn't sure, he slumped his. Her depression is finally starting to sink into his soul. A depression that he won't be able to escape unless he leaves and never comes back.
"Can you do that for me then?" My voice continued to shake as I furiously wiped my cheeks dry from any tears that were to remain and show my weakness. She needed someone to stay strong, to be the strong one. Truth be told, I don't know if I'm the strong one in this equation. Perhaps the strong one is my little six month old baby. Maybe he's the strong one that continues to hold this family together. He's the one that stays put together as his mother and I viciously fall apart before his eyes.
"Please Emily because i need you to be alright," I pleaded after she ignored me and looked away," you need me and I need you! I want to help you, please!"
"Jason," she sighed and did as Dr. Palmer asked her to do, "please drop it."
"Emily!" I screeched and looked at her with hurt in my eyes. Can't she see that I am hurting worse than her right now?! She still has a family right here.
"Stop - yelling - at - me!" She was crying again.
"Jason, can you step out of the room, please?" Dr. Palmer questioned and I continued to stare at Emily with a look of disbelief.
"Fine. But I'm leaving with Kyler and be sure to remember that it is your fault if we don't return."
