Tear in my Heart // Joshler

Ten

Trigger Warning- Mentions of cutting/ Self harm :^[

basically when you see: TW"°"°"°"° once, that is where you can skip if you don't want to take any chances getting triggered. When you see TW"°"°"°"° For the second time, that's when you can start reading again 💙 I would really hate to have triggered you guys I love you
-Jess
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I woke up to the sound of Tylers cute snoring, he sounded like a baby elephant
I smiled and got out of bed and looked down..
I had a very noticeable problem in my pants and I needed to get rid of it some how so I ran to the bathroom.

Instead of wanking myself I decided to just go with a cold shower so Tyler didn't wake up to my loud moaning.

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After I got out of the shower I wrapped my towel around my waste and walked back to my room hoping that Tyler wasn't awake already.

I opened the door slowly to see Tyler looking through my sock drawer. I practically screamed at the top of my lungs for him to stop what he was doing and close it, But when I did he jumped and my box fell onto the floor any all of my razors and sharp objects and depressing notes scattered everywhere.

I couldn't move

"GET OUT!" I screamed at him, rushing over to my tools on the floor and placing them all back into my box. Tyler looked as if he were about to cry.
I didn't blame him, He just found my secret stash of razors and I just screamed at him to get out..

Tyler ran out of the room and I heard my bathroom door slam

Oh my god, I told him to get out not to run and hide in my bathroom

I'm so stupid

I grabbed a razor off of my floor and slipped some black skinny jeans on along with a nirvana shirt and my black jacket.

TW"°"°"°"°

I ran out of the door crying and I ran to the park. I knew people were staring at me, I didn't care.

I got to the park and crawled into the small tube slide on the playground.

I pulled up my sleeve and dug my razor into my arm until I drew blood. My tears fell from my face, onto my arm. Blood and tears mixing together.
I dragged the razor across my arm until there was blood running my arm.

Why am I doing this to myself?

TW"°"°"°"°

I pulled my sleeve down and ran in the direction that was farthest from my house.

My mom didn't deserve any of this
I instantly felt guilty and wondered if i should turn around and go back

But I didn't.

Why would I?
It's not like Tyler liked me anymore,,
It's not like Tyler really actually liked me
Debby and Jenna sure as hell wouldn't miss me.
My mom would get over it eventually.
Tyler doesn't care, He's wanted me gonna from the start.

I stopped running and fell to the ground and sobbed.
I was in an empty field, Nobody was around so I just went to sleep.

My arm was so sore

I could just end it right now, nobody is gonna miss me or care so why am I holding back?
What's stopping me from just ending my waste of a life right here right now?

Me.

My mother.

Tyler.

Debby.

The only people that I care about right now, I love them so much.
I know they won't care if I leave but I don't want to leave them

I just want my stupidity and pain to end

I opened my eyes and walked more until I was at a highway.

I walked along the edge until a car stopped right next to me

It was my moms car.

My sleeves were soaked red and my cheeks were pale and tear stained.

Tyler hopped out of the passenger seat and attempted to sit me into the car, but I ran.

I ran the best I could to get away from them.
Why am I trying to escape the ones I love most?

I eventually couldn't run anymore and I collapsed onto the grass that lined the empty highway.

All I remember was seeing headlights and hearing voices and someone picking me up, avoiding my kicks and screams for help

I'm mental.

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September 20, 2015