Tear in my Heart // Joshler

twenty eight

August 17, the day Tyler decided Josh was worth it.

I lied on that damn bed for HOURS on end deciding whether to take the pills or not.
I don't know why I'm holding on so much when all I want to do is leave.
I'm afraid. I'm a damn pussy, in other words, a coward.

August 12, the day mom came knocking on my door

why? she wanted to humiliate me more?
apparently not, she came to the door with a small small stuffed bear and a card. as an appology.

I don't buy it.

I quickly was certain to decline by ripping the heat off the beat and slamming my door in her face.

like I said though,

August. seventeenth.

I had waken up at 3pm. tonight I got a great amount of sleep, a total of 6 hours!
it was a pretty normal day, normal as in leaving my room once, for some gum, a water bottle, and a bathroom break, then it was back to locking myself in my room.

approximately 2 hours and 45 minutes later at 5:45, someone rang the doorbell. twice. not only that but the mystery person also knocked 4 times right after.

the first time i had heard that knock in months it felt like.

it was Tyler.

my head jolted up at the sound ringing through the empty house. I looked around before slowly standing up, in fear I would lose consciousness and pass out again. I walked over to my door, simply standing in front of it with my hand on the doorknob when I decided that it would be better to just leave it.

as I turned around and plopped myself back into my bed, I was startled by someone knocking at my bedroom door.
the doorknob rattled as my heart rate quickened and my pale skin broke out into a sweat

"..j-josh," a quiet voice hesitated

"a-are... are you in there?" he cleared his throat and spoke a bit louder

I honestly didn't know what to do or say, as I hadn't used my voice box in like a month

I tried to produce words but I couldn't process anything.
I slowly walked to the door and unlocked it before peaking the door open a crack.

"Josh..? c-can you uh.. can you open the door please," he rested his hand softly on the door before pushing it open oh so much, enough that we could see each other well.

I saw his glossy eyes, but not past them. he had put up a barrier that I couldn't even break.

Tyler choked and quickly attached to me in a big hug, choking down something that I couldn't tell if it was a laugh or a sob.

"..ty I'm s- sorry I,"

he looked up at me and pushed me backwards until my legs hit the bed and we fell backwards in each other's arms.

"Josh don't appologize. please. I'm so sorry. I'm s-so damn sorry for leaving you alone like this for so long... Josh I lo-care about you so much I'm ssorry," Tyler let out a deep breath into my chest

"Tyler i- I don't know why you came here but I'm so damn glad you did,"

I just layed still, staring at the ceiling, still in shock.

"I missed you so much Tyler"

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September 1, 2016