Tear in my Heart // Joshler

Fifteen

We arrived at the California Pizza Kitchen and saw Debby and Jenna sitting in the booth in the far left corner.
We walked over to them and sat down with a smile.

They're holding hands.

I smiled through the pain even though I'm pretty sure my eyes were giving it all away.

"Hey what took you guys so long," Debby joked with a smirk.

Does she seriously think I'm gay?

With Tyler?

I mean I'd be lying big time if I said i had never thought about it before.

I mean I was thinking about pounding him into a wall not even 45 minutes ago.

I felt my face turn red at the thought of Tyler being with me.
Nice sweet cuddles at 2am

"So what're you guys ordering?" Tyler changed the subject

"Oh um I'll just have an ice water,"
I told Tyler so he could get my order

"We already ordered so you guys can go on and order" Jenna spoke up with a smile before interlocking her fingers with Debby on the table and sending a quick peck to Debby.

"Okay well I'm gonna be right back in gonna go get the food" Tyler announced

I felt slightly weird and uncomfortable with Tyler not next to me.

"Uhh yeah I'm gonna," I started while slowly standing up, "Uh go use the bathroom real quick," I walked over to the vacant bathrooms and looked back to see Debby leaning into Jenna and kissing her softly.

I slowly entered the restroom with a sigh.
I locked the door and slouched my shoulders as I placed my hands at the edge of the sink
I slowly lifted my head,
looking at myself in the mirror.
My eyes were bloodshot.
My head is pounding.

Why does my body decide to do stupid shit when u try to be social for once?

I reached into my pocket, remembering my sharp friend I had packed.

I pulled it out and set it on the counter.

You know that feeling where you really need to cry but nothing comes out? You're just left, screaming inside and clawing at yourself, trying to find an escape? Your throat hurts and you're sobbing but no tears?

That's exactly what's happening to me right now.
I looked at my blade placed on the counter before picking it up and walking over to the toilet.

I looked at the blade and then down into the toilet.

I whined, Still unable to cry.

I held my hand just above the toilet

My hand slowly tilted. I let the blade drop completely from my hand, Falling into the toilet with a small splash.

I clenched my hand into a fist and slowly returned it to my side.

I brought my foot up to the toilet handle and flushed the blade.
No way I was going to risk getting sick just to flush a toilet.

The blade was lost from my sight when the forceful water pushed it through the pipes, Probably leading it to some sewage system or something. I felt kind of bad for whatever animals were down there.

I walked back over to the mirror, instantly feeling more proud of myself than when I walked into this bathroom.

I splashed my face with some warm water and dried it off before returning back to Debbs and Jenna.