Tear in my Heart // Joshler

Sixteen

*°trigger warning°*

Debby drove me and Tyler home and dropped us off at my house. It's only 2pm and my moms at work so we can probably hang out for a bit more.

We got home and Debby left to go back to Jenna's I assume. I led Tyler upstairs, dropping my stuff by the bottom of the stairs. I plopped down onto my bed with a muffled groan into my pillow.
"Stressed?" Ty asked

"Nah man just kinda tired and bored,"

"Hey I think I might go home soon if you're okay with that," He added

"Oh yeah man I totally understand" I assured, slowly sitting up. I sat on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands.

Why is my life so blah?
I didn't ask to be this way
I can't cut
It's not getting me anywhere but more pain than I need right now.

Tyler grabbed a few things and stretched. "Well I think I'll be going now,"

"Oh okay.. yeah" I breathed "You need a ride? I'm fine with giving you a ride dude"

"Oh no I can just walk it's fine, trust me"

Before I could argue, he walked up to me and gave me a hug, "I know you're tired and hurt but you'll get through this man" He whispered just loud enough for me to hear then pulled away at an arms length.
He gave me a quick smile then turned, "Bye Joshy" He chuckled as he walked out my door.

I walked over to my door and shut it. Right when I heard my downstairs door slam, signaling Tyler had left by now, I slid down my door

My head is in my hands

How could I have screwed up this much

I don't know where my family is half the time, probably working.

I'm not complaining that I don't have a good life or anything,, I know I have a great life compared to many people..

I just wasn't meant to live this life

16 years of a perfectly good life, waisted. down the drain, just because I thought I couldn't handle what obstacles life would throw my way.

I'm too weak

I didn't realize I was crying

I cry too much

nobody's home

cut

I can't cut

you have to

no I can't!

Before I knew it I was in my bathroom, on the floor once again but this time it wasn't to get myself off.

I'm shaking

The cabinet is open

drawers are open

medicine cabinet

I reached for the handle

I pulled it open

pills galore, razors and more

I tried opening the pills but my hands are sweating

my tears are rolling down my cheek, to my neck, down my chest

I couldn't open the pills

it wasn't budging

my hands are too weak

you have to press down

soon enough I had the cap of the pills open

there were only about 5 pills left in the little bottle.

I took them anyways

I cupped my hands under the faucet, taking a gulp of water, swallowing the pills

someone's banging on the door

Tyler

"Joshy?"
he barely sounded worried

"Hey buddy you in there?"

I couldn't control my breathing

I'm sobbing on the floor

Tyler unlocked the bathroom door with my spare key

I couldn't begin to imagine what he was thinking

I'm shaking

I'm sobbing

it's cold in here

Tyler had tears in his eyes. I remember being picked up and thrown in front of the toilet.
Someone's fingers are in my mouth
Ew
suddenly there's a very sour substance in my mouth that I don't like

He did it again

What is he doing to me

Why is he hurting me

I'm being pulled into the shower

it's warm

he pulls me in and holds me in the bathtub

The water falling onto us constantly

He's asking why

why

                                 why?

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October 27, 2015