The Forbidden Child

The Mourning of Gandalf

Ever since the fall of Gandalf, everyone was quiet. No one was surprised to see tears on one another's faces the past few days.

Lessien hadn't wept. She was too afraid to. Her body felt hollow so she didn't think she could offer up any tears. It wasn't something she could afford.

Besides, she didn't feel like crying.

One evening, the company had stopped to rest, and Lessien sat alone watching the sunset when Legolas approached her.

"What do you want?" she interrogated.

"Have you forgotten what I said?" Legolas asked, referring to those few whispered words the two had exchanged the night before Gandalf's fall.

"I have no time to think about it."

"You have plenty of time to think about it. We just walk all day long," Legolas countered. He didn't want to let this go.

"Well, what do I have to think about?" Lessien questioned. "Was it some sort of proposition? And if so, I cannot even consider it with circumstances the way they are. And if it was a proposition, it was a weak one."

He held his breath. "I just wanted you to know how I felt."

"It doesn't matter right now. How you feel, I mean."

Legolas turned away from her, not sure of how he should react, and not wanting her to see it.

He had a lot of unspoken words to say. Why do you push me away? Why can't you just tell me how you feel? What's wrong with you? What can I do to make it up to you? Why do you hate me? I have given you all of the apologies I can make up. I have no idea where to go from here. I can't stop thinking of you. Why? Why?

"Why don't you talk to me?"

Legolas paused, realizing that those words had managed to come out of his mouth in the midst of his whirlwind thoughts.

Lessien shot him a look. She wanted to tell him that she didn't owe him anything and that it didn't matter how she felt because Gandalf was dead and they were surely on a suicide mission. It didn't matter. Her feelings for him weren't on the top of her priority list, or rather, they shouldn't be even though they maybe were. There was nothing to feel. Right? That's what she told herself.

However, instead of arguing with him, Lessien did something to surprise him.

She spoke.

"I worry about what took place in the Mine. And I don't just mean my grievance for the death of Gandalf."

It was a sort of invitation, for Legolas sat by her, indicating he was listening.

"That place had such a dark influence on me. It made me sick. It clouded my mind. None of you were that way, save maybe Frodo who carries the Ring, and that makes sense, but what's wrong with me? I thought for a while that I was weak and that thought alone scared me, but the more I think about it, the more I start puzzling things in my mind.

"Gandalf spoke to me so strangely of the Darkness in that Mine. Before he died, he told me to not go dark. Is there something within me? I just. I wonder a lot and he isn't here to explain anything."

They heard a small way off the chatter of the hobbits.

Legolas looked at Lessien, who was staring out at the sun, refusing to tear her gaze from the sight. He found that often when they spoke she would look anywhere but at him.

"I see the good in you. It's apparent. I don't know why the Darkness affected you more than anyone else but I don't think it has anything to do with you being supposedly weak. You are strong. I admire you for it."

Lessien rolled her eyes and gave him an exasperated look, now making eye contact for the first time during their whole conversation.

Her outlandish light grey eyes never failed to make Legolas's heart skip a beat.

"What? I'm serious," he claimed, a little laugh dancing in his voice.

Lessien remained staring at him, as though she was waiting for him to say something else. Each second she looked into his eyes felt like a million years flashing by.

He continued, "It doesn't matter if I'm stronger than-"

Lessien shoved him teasingly, partially demonstrating that said strength a little harder than she meant to, before he could finish his statement.

"Calm down!" he exclaimed.

"Me? Calm? Never."

The two held each other's gaze for a few more moments after that, no words exchanged. Lessien was drowning in the blue. Legolas astounded by the grey. They looked at each other often enough but never looked at each other like this.

Because maybe it was meant to be but there just wasn't enough time, and if they didn't have to look at each other it would be easier to avoid.

Legolas's eyes flitted to Lessien's lips, which she noticed.

So, she turned away, looking towards the sun, which was much less complicated than looking into his eyes.