PROPERTY OF A. KENDRICK

Entry 40

September 4

Today I need to talk to Henry. School starts up again on Monday. Maybe if I ask, I can get him to hang out with me some in secret. That'd be okay, if it were in secret, right?

We went to the park with Liota. I told him me and Henry needed to talk, so he played on the playground. Henry headed to where we usually play ball, but I held him back and asked him if we could talk. He said okay and steered me behind some trees.

I fidgeted a bit then. We'd never really talked about the situation. If we'd stay friends. If we were even friends. How long this... whatever it was would keep going.

"So?" Henry crossed his arms. "What'd you wanna talk about?"

"Well, um... when school starts..."

"Yeah, this has to stop."

I knew his answer before, but it still hurt. My chest hurt. I'd told myself I wouldn't argue, but I did. "Not even a little? In secret—?"

"No!" He glared. "I only hung out with you cuz I was bored. I'm not gonna ruin my reputation for someone like you. I thought that went without saying." He shook his head. "Do you understand what you did wrong?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry." I tried not to let my disappointment show, but I guess it did, cuz then Henry said, "Since it's the last time, I guess maybe we could do something special. Like buy ice cream or something." My heart hammered in my chest, in a different way now. He glanced toward the playground, then back to me. "You're paying."

"Yeah, of course!" I said almost breathlessly. "I'll tell Liota—"

"No. Just us." Henry's eyes slid away, his hands in his pockets and his head held high. I was in awe of his confidence, wishing I could someday look like that.

I had Liota wait at the library. We've had no major incidents with my mom, but I wouldn't leave him alone with her.

Henry and me went to a little ice cream shop by my house. He got a chocolate sundae and I got caramel. We talked about the usual stuff, like baseball. I don't know a lot about baseball, but it was fun to see his eyes light up when he talked about it. That was what he was talking about when a group of boys from our school walked in.

Henry noticed them first. Then I saw them. I didn't realize right away what it meant. It'd been so long. But when I slid down in the booth and looked over at Henry, I saw that familiar smirk on his face. My blood ran cold.

This was the moment I'm been dreading for two months.

Henry motioned the boys over with a sweep of his hand. They gathered around us, leering at me, Henry... Henry at the root of it all.

It was always Henry.

On the playground, in the classroom, anywhere kids were teasing me, Henry was right in front, yelling the loudest, saying the things that hurt the most. This was the real Henry.

But he'd never been so dangerous. Now he knew my secrets. He could destroy me. So I tried to leave him with nothing to destroy.

I don't know how many times I apologized, but it wasn't enough. I can't actually remember what happened. I remember them pushing me—forcing me—from the store. The next thing I remember is waking up in a dumpster. My body hurt so much it took me a while just to summon the will to move—from a dirty, disgusting pile of trash! I guess I belonged there, though. Even when I thought I did everything they wanted, it still wasn't enough. I'll never be good enough.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Please somebody tell me what I'm doing wrong!