Chapter 34: Knowledge and Regret

442 20 7
                                    

a/n: LISTEN TO THE SONG OH MY GOD GUYS IT'S SO PERFECT FOR THIS CHAPPIE I SWEAR

dedicated to all my former readers who have waited for this to happen (but they didn't stick around ;-; )

Chapter 34: Knowledge and Regret

John

John felt the world pass him by in a blur.

He couldn't feel anything after what he'd seen. He cried every night after hearing Sherlock say the words he had longed to hear. Just not the way he'd expected to hear them.

"John, could you pull over? I need to do something."

John shivered and rolled in his bed, covering his face with sheets.

His heart rate sped up and his hands felt clammy as he thought of the catastrophic event that had changed his life and ended another.

Fucking git. What a git. If only he hadn't stopped. If he had just stayed for one more second. A sob escaped John's throat and he broke down.

He didn't cry when he pulled Sherlock from the river. He didn't cry when he saw Sherlock's mom cry and ask him if he was okay. He didn't cry when Mycroft sent him a box containing pictures of Sherlock. He didn't cry. He just let it pent up inside.

"Sherlock, stop. Please just stop!"

John rose and took a bath, dried his hair, put a black shirt and black trousers on and combed his hair.

He walked downstairs and half-heartedly greeted his parents and smiled weakly at his sister. He picked up the bouquet of flowers from the counter and left his house. He hailed a cab and instructed the driver to the cemetery, where he lay.

He paid the cabbie and walked into the cemetery, feeling his heart beat uncontrollably fast.

"Just let me be!"

He located the tombstone incredibly fast. It was just like how Greg described it to him when he'd attended the service.

"Not much people came, but they were all genuinely sad. Everyone was crying and blowing into their kerchiefs. The Sherlock's grave is actually beautiful in a way. Or maybe it was because of the mood. There were willows in front of the grave and there were lights on the trees. It felt so mysterious, but I guess it's because they held the funeral in the middle of the night."

But even in broad daylight, the ambiance felt mysterious and somewhat beautiful. The willow trees waved as the wind pushed them. The cool air brushed his cheek so he pulled his coat closer.

"You're drugged, Sherlock! You're not in your right mind! Please, just step away from the edge!"

He knelt on the ground and set the array of flowers down. His eyes stayed on the yellow roses, alstroemeria and marigolds. He couldn't look at the name of the body lying six feet under. He didn't want to face it. It was too painful for him.

"Hey... I can't say your name. It... It's just too painful for me to say it." John drew a shaky breath and kept his eyes trained on the marigold. He couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. Then he took a deep breath and recollected himself.

"I'm sorry I didn't attend the funeral. But I think you wouldn't really give a damn about the attendance. But Greg, Molly, Charlie and Josh came. I couldn't go. I didn't want to see you like that."

"I'm not drugged, John! Moriarty's dosage was too small. I know what I have to do."

"When the police found me with you, still crying, they whisked me away to the nearest police station and gave me a blanket and a cup of cocoa. As if that would fix anything." John laughed bitterly. "When I got home, I was like zombie. I couldn't eat, drink or sleep. I couldn't act like a normal fucking human being for a week because of you. But I hope you're happy wherever you are.

You could be in Heaven or reincarnated or something. I just don't want you to be in pain anymore. But you don't believe in Heaven. Unfortunately, I still do," John laughed, relishing the happy memory. "You almost had me convinced with your essay though. But I could've easily rebutted it. You were so oblivious to those kind of things. Even to the solar system."

"Please, Sherlock! You don't make any sense! Please, don't leave me."

"I just want to thank you for all the adventures we had, even if they were reckless and dangerous. I had fun with you. I just wish that I had the courage to say..."

John held his breath. He couldn't say it. He didn't want to say it even if the words were threatening to spill from his mouth any second. Instead, John took a deep breath.

"Mary Morstan or Moran came around two days ago. She said that Moriarty's web of criminals is being taken down. I wonder if it's actually you."

John turned around when he heard a twig snap. He looked around before his eyes settled on the writings of the tombstone.

Sherlock Holmes

A great son, brother, friend, protector and detective.

May he rest in peace.

"Omni scientia nocet."

The last part was latin for 'All knowledge hurts', which John knew, as he was studying to be a doctor. Even his old dream seemed far away now that he faced the knowledge that Sherlock wasn't there with him anymore.

John stared at the name on the tombstone, before looking away and standing up. He felt his heart beat rapidly in his chest while the air in his lungs was gone. Tears spilled from his eyes for the third time that day and it was the most wrecking one he ever felt. It was real grief and he didn't want to feel it anymore.

He cried silently, still not looking at the tombstone. He felt his chest run out of air and he wanted to run. The quote seemed to trigger the memories he had held back. It felt like a bullet to his heart as he painfully thought of their conversation.

"I hate you. You just had to leave me, when I had just found out. Why couldn't you have just stayed put? You said it yourself! Moriarty's dosage was too small to even affect you! Why did you even jump? Why couldn't you have at least stayed for one more second!?"

"I... I-John. Look at me... I know it's bad timing and I may be the biggest idiot for not saying this until now, but I love you! John Watson, I love you and remember that."

"Do you know how much I cried that day? How much I regretted letting you run away? Because it wasn't the due time yet and I just let you go? Because I didn't notice how broken you looked until you stood there? Because it hurts, Sherlock. It hurts when I know and you don't."

John started to walk away, but something held him back. The words that he was never given a chance to say, because he left too soon. Words that wanted to escape from his lips and hope that maybe he would hear it from afar.

John turned back and approached the slab of stone with a heavy heart. He held the top of the stone and felt a bit foolish for doing so. John looked at the ground and noticed the marigolds and the yellow roses, blending together in a beautiful way.

"I couldn't say this because you left too quickly, but I hope you know it. I love you, Sherlock. I've always loved you and you are an idiot if you put it that way. But you're the biggest idiot I've ever loved."

Feeling a small part of pain being lifted from his chest, John turned away and left. But when he passed a willow tree, he could swear he'd heard the baritone voice he had fallen in love with.

"I love you too."

END OF PART ONE

a/n: hahah the end. lol jk part two is there lolz.

Well, that was quite a ride, wasn't it? I'm really glad I made this fanfiction and gained a lot of readers and lost a lot of readers. But I just enjoyed making it even if this last one was the most heart breaking one of all. ALSO THE FLOWERS THE FLOWERS ARE SYMBOLIC GUYS IT'LL MAKE SENSE IF YOU JUST GOOGLE IT!!

Did you guys like the way I wrote it? I couldn't actually make the death scene so I made it like this: in flashbacks. But I'm content on the way it turned out but it may be confusing to a few. Hopefully not.

go read Alice Amsor's story A Walk with Death it's in the external link

Love you all! Please don't fucking kill me! I LOVE YOU GUYS

All They Needed: A JohnLock High School AU |NaNoWriMo|Where stories live. Discover now