Noir shook her head.
"It was when I was in school. A lot of people used to gloss over me, and that was fine. But one day... well, things took a turn for the worst. Some of my friend's upperclassmen invited us to a party. I really didn't want to go, but my friend Elise... she convinced me, so we went. Of course, I knew that something bad was going to happen-I saw the movies and even reality itself-they didn't want us as friends, but as jokes to laugh at. Elise... well... she didn't take very kind to a prank they had pulled on her. They dropped a bucket of this weird red substance over her and everyone started to laugh except me. The reason... well... the reason was because I knew her. She wasn't mentally stable. She's was like I am now..."
Noir looked at her hands.
"Like I am right now... I tried so hard back then to figure out how she felt-and now I am feeling it. I didn't understand... but..."
Tears started to stream from Noirs eyes.
"It was a long night... Elise.... She killed everyone at the party except me. She pushed me into and locked me in a closet as some of the upperclassmen tried to swoon over Elise after the prank. Elise... she didn't take it kindly. She was emotionally unstable from her childhood and I knew she was on the verge of breaking... but I didn't say anything. I was too weak to do so..."
Noir held onto herself as her tears became more frequent. She slowly dropped onto her knees.
"Elise... I called her my friend, right? Well, I lied... she was my sister... and all throughout the night all I heard was screams, caused by her. I was young... really young... and I didn't know what was happening. All throughout the night were screams... so many screams... so many... and after a while they just stopped. That's when she came back to the closet, covered in blood to check on me. She wasn't her regular self... she was cold and her eyes showed no emotion in them. She said everything was going to be alright and held onto me... the blood from her clothing covering me. That was when she... killed herself. I was found... the next day... cowering in the corner of the closet holding onto my sister's lifeless body. After that... I have never wanted to feel anything ever again... and through the years I stayed to myself, alone where no one could ever hurt me... lest I feel like I did back then. One day, I heard about this experiment and came here first chance I could to remove myself of the emotion I despised... and now I am here... talking with you... remembering everything..."
I stood in silence for a moment and stared at Noir as she stayed on her knees, her tears stopped.
What am I to say...?
What can I say to make her feel any better, that will not only make it worse.
Even more problematic... she is just like me... perhaps-no-even worse...
Is this what I was like...?
What... do I do...?
"I... I'm sorry. For what happened."
I have to force myself to say sorry...
Because I have no regret... I have to pretend I have it?
Is this... is this who I really want to be?
I want to be a man who cannot feel remorse for myself or others...?!
Is this...
Noir looked up at me.
"I am too..."
I knelt down next to her and gently touched her shoulder.
"I... shouldn't have asked this of you... I'm sorry."
Noir stayed silent.
"Please... give me a pill... I don't want this to be me... I want the boring and dull and emotionless me to be me... I don't want to accept my emotions when they hurt so much... Elise was the only family I had and after she was gone-I was a broken child thrown from one place to the next. I don't want to..."
"Here..."
I looked to the side to see Volio as he looked down at us and held out one of his blue pills.
Noir grabbed it quickly and swallowed it.
After a few seconds her eyes returned to their emotionless gaze and she stood up.
I stood up next to her and looked at Volio.
"So... you followed us?"
Volio breathed in and out deeply for a moment.
"No... but in all honesty I wish I didn't come to check on you. I would rather not have listened to such a depressing story... but even still it's sad isn't it."
I nodded.
"Yes... it is..."
Volio looked at Noir.
"You should go back to the main hall and explain that you took another blue pill."
Noir nodded and walked away down the hallway.
Volio and I watched as she slowly disappeared behind the door at the very end of it.
Volio sighed.
"We are all pathetic people, aren't we?"
I looked at Volio in slight surprise.
"Volio...?"
Volio held his head with his hand.
"I know... a little out of character for me, isn't it? But, I guess it's because I am angry with myself. Though... my double is long gone. As it turns out, after talking with you about what happened during my service, I came to terms with myself and my anger. I just didn't realize it until after I stopped taking the pills. Though, I haven't returned to my previous self-the one before I came here. I have learned how to cope with my past and let it go... how to accept what happened and accept my feelings and not dwell on them expecting them to change. I have accepted that my best friend betrayed me that day, and that I never let it go-I let my anger get the better of me and drive my actions."
"I don't really get what you are getting at..."
Volio smiled.
"All of us who underwent the experiment has tried to get rid of not a piece of ourselves, but the past we have. We all didn't want to accept something from our past before we came here-we just wanted it to go away. We sought out this place as an easy escape from our feelings. Instead of trying to fix our problems we ran away and used them as excuses for our actions. Allison wanted himself and his daughter to forget about the death of most of their family, Felipe wanted to stop being scared about his future with Katori and his unsureness of himself, Katori wanted to change herself so she could be more open to people and to her future husband and express herself better, Noir wants to get rid of her emotions so she won't feel like she did that day, I wanted to get rid of the anger I allowed myself to feel because of what happened during that mission, and you-well... I don't know, but I will guess you are running away from something to. That's what makes us pathetic... we didn't try to fix our problems-we wanted them to go away without having to learn anything from them or resolve them."
I started to laugh.
Volio looked at me surprised.
He's right to do so, after all... I don't think I have been a very kind person lately...
But I, cannot feel regret for that-or my past right now. I can't accept what happened if I have no regret.
"Taking that pill really fucked me over, didn't it? I can't feel regret for what I have done up to this point, I cant. I could pretend that I do... but right now I can't-but some part of me does want to accept my past... perhaps after this pill wears off, I will."
Volio nodded.
"Well I guess we'll have to wait and see, Wilson. Now, let's go get some equipment to cook with."
"Ok... let's go."
