I'll Reach For You (GirlXGirl)

53. Then why do I hate myself so much?

Three weeks, and nothing has changed. I still feel like I am going to drown in my own pain. The school has not gotten any better. I got a warning about soccer from the coach. If I do not show up more often, she is going to kick me out. I just simply nodded, but I know I am going to be kicked out soon anyway.

I skipped three days this week as well, I know when dad comes home, he is going to yell at me. Nothing is working I guess, but I have lost all hope. Snow has come now since it is November, and sleep has just gotten worse, because of the cold. There is no Hunter to keep me warm at night.

Ty keeps on trying so do Lauren, but I told them to stay away. One of the teachers yelled at me for falling asleep in her class, but when I looked at her, she stopped. I was completely lost when I woke up of her yelling, like I didn't even remember where I was. The teacher looked at me like she knew I was in some kind of pain.

Hunter said on the phone a couple of a days ago that there was already snow where she is, that she wished I was there watching it with her fall down on the ground. Then she asked about how things are going with me, but I lie to her every day and it hurts. I lie about soccer, about school and how messed up I have become without her here. I love her and I want her back. The sound of the door open makes me jump out of my thoughts. Mom and dad come in.

"What are you doing here?" Dad ask, surprised. I thought me being home was getting normal now.

"Watching TV." I answer easy. Dad looks at me angry and he takes a deep breath.

"You have school you know." He says and take the remote, then turn off the TV.

"Skylar I need you to get control of your life right now." He says upset.

"Yeah, just give me the remote and I fix it." I reach out my hand for it and he laughs.

"You sound like Hunter right now." He sighs and sit down on the couch. Dad lays his arm over my shoulder.

"I miss her too, you know. It feels like both of you left to be honest, because I miss you. I miss the way Hunter made you smile and laugh. When you two were running around teasing each other, that was something she was really good at by the way. You looked so happy, but now that she is gone, it hurts to watch you like this every day. I wish you could at least try to be better, because right now you are just going one way and that is down." I know his words are supposed to make me feel better, but they don't, there is only one voice I want to hear and she is not here.

"Dad, please just stop, there is nothing you can do or say to make me feel better. I lost her, and it kills me every day. In some way I feel like I let her down, I promised her I would always reach for her. I guess I lied." I say guilty and get out of the couch and start walking to the stairs.

"It's not your fault, Skylar." Dad says, I stop and turn around to look at him angry.

"Then why do I hate myself so much?" I yell crying. He gets up from the couch, his face full of worry.

"Skylar." He says my name and pull me into an embrace.

"You didn't do anything wrong. This was not something I wanted to happen even though I knew it was, but she had a choice. She got two really bad options, and she had to choose one of them. It's my fault Skylar, and I am trying really hard to fix it. I am really sorry." He says, holding me tighter. It feels nice getting a hug from dad, but I would give anything to get one from Hunter.

"Hunt misses you two too by the way." I tell him.

"That's good, that she hasn't forgotten us already." He chuckles and move back to look at me.

"I don't think she will ever do that." I smile to him.