The Best Kept Secret.

-17- Confusion & Doubt.

~ I'm particularly in love with this chapter. I don't know why, but I just feel it's exactly right for what I wanted. It matches every intricate detail that I wanted in and is Heaven compared to the rest of my writing in my opinion.

I LOVE IT! ♥♥♥♥

p.s. I have added another You Me At Six song on the side; give it a listen. I think the chorus goes kinda well with the end of this chapter :')

I didn’t know how long I was sat there for, idly rocking my feet against the bark floor underneath the rubber swing set, in a vain attempt to swing myself back and forth.

Truthfully, I was too busy in my head to care.

He kissed me.

And I kissed back.

And in some bizarrely twisted alternate reality, I enjoyed it.

Then I slapped him.

And once my tears ran out, I realized how much my palm actually hurt from colliding with his cheek.

You hear all those romance books, and all they go on about is the fireworks you feel in a kiss when you know they’re the one your meant to be with. Apparently, fireworks aren’t a valid way to chose a boyfriend nowadays considering.

And who on earth started describing it as fireworks anyway? I don’t get the 4th of July going off in my stomach every time me and Matt make out.

It’s more of a warm, tingly feeling. Of security and safeness. Of being wrapped up in his arms and feeling like nothing is at all wrong with the world. Of want and need, all for him, soaking up the essence of him and memorizing it, so I’ll always know exactly what he smells like and feels like when he’s holding me close.

That’s my description of fireworks.

But I got that exact same feeling when Alex’s lips were on mine. Want, warmth, protection.

And how fucked up is it when you get that from two different guys? What’s that saying?

I’m destined to be a whore because I can’t find just one guy who gives me my fireworks?

Life is retarded. Really, really messed up.

I sincerely hope the Big Guy up in Heaven is getting a kick out of the messes he’s putting me in. Because I don’t think there’s anything worse than being torn between two amazing guys.

Matt is gorgeous. And thinking back, I was ecstatic when he asked me out and our relationship is pure perfection. Sure we have our petty arguments but that’s about it. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel loved and wanted. Something every girl dreams of. He tells me he loves me and he makes me feel like nothing is more special. He’s protective, but in the cutest way, and it makes him ten times more attractive to me. Unless he gets possessive, that’s more of a turn-off. Matty transformed me. In a good way. I used to be nothing like I am now. He brought out my independence and my confidence, built up my self-esteem till it was soaring through the roof, calling me beautiful every time every time he said hello. He introduced me to Leighton and Jake, who I can’t now imagine not being friends with. They’re like two utterly adorable, annoying big brothers, who I love to pieces. I never used to party or let myself go a little. And he made me change that, he made me understand the brilliance of going to parties and knowing what I’d missed, made me realize how stupid I’d been to think myself more high and mighty than teens who drank every weekend. And now I was one of them, and loved every second. And that was because of him.

And Alex. Alex is freedom. With Alex, you never know what’s coming next. I haven’t known him properly for more than three weeks and yet I feel like I’ve known him my entire life. He can make me cry with laughter, and he’s insanely stupid. But he’s incredible. He sits and he listens and pays attention to what I say. He can be so immature but it’s amazingly refreshing to see him sit back and act like kid. Life’s too serious and Alex is the epitome of taking it easy, taking each day as it comes. Alex is mystery. He’s the unknown.