Letting Go

Twelve

"A'taya." I heard as I sat in the women's bathroom of the restaurant from outside.

I heard a loud bang. "I know you're in there." He said causing me to roll my eyes. His persistence is more than annoying me right now.

Does he not understand that I need a minute?

"A'taya." He sighed after he came into the bathroom.

"I just need a minute." I told him finally letting the breath I didn't know I was holding on to.

"Can you come out and talk to me?"
He asked, the edge in his voice clear.

I got up off the stall and walked out looking in the mirror first.

"Now my makeup looks terrible." I grumbled.

"You look fine." He said grabbing my hand, I flinched and sighed.

"What's with that?" He asked.

"Nothing." I said.

"Look, I don't do this often-ever really but I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt or offend you."

"I know okay. I know what I have to do and I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Reginald please understand that what I'm going, is what I'm going through because this is what I'm choosing. When I'm ready to help myself, I will." I told him.

"Why not now?" He asked.

"Because I'm not ready."

"What aren't you ready for?" He asked me

"I'm not ready to be hurt again. To let someone else in and be taken advantage of again."

"Don't you wanna be happy?" He asked me

"I'm not happy. I have never been happy. I don't know how to be happy all of the time with me and my life and what I'm doing." I told him looking in his eye and he just stared. "Can we finish this. Please." I asked him and he nodded.

He left out of the restroom first and I gathered myself.

I made my way back to the table secretly hoping that this date would somehow turn around and get better.

"I'm sorry." I told him in his ear as he pulled out my chair and as I sat he pressed his lips to my cheek bone.

We made small talk, asking basic questions that we didn't already know about each other.

"Coffee or Tea?" He asked me.

"Um, it depends." I shrugged. "You?" I asked.

"Coffee definitely."

"Try this." I told him forking up some of my pasta.

"Unh-uh." He shook his head.

"You allergic?" I asked.

"No, I just don't like to eat off of people. Especially not the same fork." He said

"But it's good. Please?" I asked.

"Fine, but use this fork."

"You don't trust my lips?" I asked him and he smirked.

"Nah, it's not that. I know I've been the only person kissing on them."

"You kissed me once and you don't know that."

"Oh but I do." He told me looking down and putting a spoon up to me.

"How?" I challenged reaching for the spoon from him.

"Because." He said pulling the spook back. "Open up." He smirked causing me to roll my eyes I did as told. "Because you're a good girl."

"Doesn't mean that I'm not dating other people."

"Oh so now we are dating." He said.

I sucked my teeth." You know what I meant."

"No, not really because yesterday after talking to my brother he let me in on the fact that you said you didn't need a man to get in the way of you and your first love."

"Work isn't my first Love, and I did say that."

"But you just told me that we are dating so which is it?" He asked teasingly. "Are you leading me on?" He asked.

"Truth be told I like this thing. You and I but I've got so much going on." I sighed.

"And your point?" He asked.

" I've got to work some things out." I told him and he nodded his head.

We finished the rest of our dinner in silence.

Once we got done, he led me out of restaurant after speaking with the owner. He didn't introduce or mention me and for some reason I am a little upset even though I know I shouldn't be.

"Thank you." I said as he closed my door and he nodded.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I didn't mean to make things awkward-"

"Stop being sorry for things that you feel. It's okay to be sorry for delivery but if it's the way you feel I have no choice but to respect it or keep it moving." He told me.

"So what do you choose?" I asked him and he looked over at me and nodded his head.

He said nothing the rest of the ride. Now the knots in my stomach tight.

"Good Night." I said once he put the car in my park.

"You said to me this evening that you know you can fix it, but you're scared. Why?" He asked.

"Because I'm scared to need someone again."

"You ever depended on somebody before?" He asked me.

"Yeah, one too many times." I said thinking back on the past.

"Remember in the story about Moses and then people? And how they were directed back to someplace by the Lord?" He asked me.

"The Israelites, they were directed between Migdol and the sea." I nodded

"Yeah, that one. Remember how God made them go back? Remember how you told me that God puts you back a few step until he feels your ready and able to appreciate where he is taking you?" He asked and I nodded.

"I see the same thing happening right now. The correlation I'm making is that maybe I' m Moses and you're the Israelite, and it's job to lead you forward. To happiness." He said. "So I hope that answers your question. That I am choosing to Respect it and work on us." He told me his head leaning towards me.

Our eyes locked and I felt captivated. That was the first thing I had ever spoke about with him, before he even asked me to help him and teach him about Christ and he remembers. In my gut it feels right.

"So?"

"I'm scared." I told him all of my vulnerability being shown.

"The bible says be strong and courageous. Do not fear;" he said.

"One step at a time." I said.

"However you want it." He told me and for the first time, I pulled him into me kissing his lips.

"I'll call you, Good Night." I said after.

"Good Night." He smiled and I got out of the car.

I slowly walked up the steps to my porch feeling a warm feeling inside. I was so afraid of losing my balance.

He waited for me to get up the stairs and into the house before he drove away. I went to
My sisters room and she wasn't there. I returned to my bedroom and got myself ready for bed.

Before I went to bed I prayed. I asked God for guidance and wisdom through this situation. This is the start of my journey in letting go.

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