Letting Go

Nineteen

"I quit my job. I quit my freaking job!" I said though the phone sobbing.

"Finally!" My sister yelled.

"T-this is bad." I heaved. "H-how am I supposed to-to live."

"Calm down A'taya. Breathe!" My sister said.

"I can't. Karen what the heck did I just do. Oh my God." I said

"Listen to me A'taya, you did the right thing."

"You're getting married. How am I supposed to be of any use when-"

"God got your back. I'll be home in a little while. Go inside the house and pray." She told me

"Okay." I said and went inside of the house. I sighed stripping of all my clothes and getting into the water.

I couldn't help but just cry. I cried for everything, letting myself believe that things would just get better, for waisting time, for ever even believing that I could be more than what I was.

I cried until I had no more tears.

I heard a loud knock on my door after putting on my clothes.

"Don't you get tired?"I asked Reginald.

He stood before me a full smile and a bunch of Tyler perrys plays and movies in his hands.

Seeing my face the smile that graced his mouth was gone. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine. Can you go?" I asked.

I hate being vulnerable and bearing my feelings is the last thing I want to do right now.

"You aren't fine. Let me in." He told me.

"No Reginald." I shook my head.

"Why?" He asked

"Because I want to be alone. I've got a lot going on and-and I don't need this thing right now." I said referring to whatever he was trying to make us.

"You know in all the thirty one years I've been alive I have never been a sucker for no woman, and now I'm opening up, and showing you that I actually give a fuck about you and you keep pushing me away."

"Because I'm not stupid okay! I'm not some naive little girl! You don't care and I'm not beautiful. I see your games and I have no time to play them. Just leave." I said crying.

What I have been wanting to say for him so
Long was finally out.

"You are out of your mind you know that?" He asked me and I looked away.

"If you'd leave-"

"You don't want me to leave. You never want me to leave because if you wanted me to, your close the door in my face and call the cops. But deep down inside you know that I actually give a fuck about you. "

"I need you to go. Walk away please." I asked him.

"Why? That way you won't be scared anymore? Because then you can make up in your mind that you're the only one whoever had feelings in this? So that you can sleep with yourself thinking that I was the bad guy and I never gave a fuck right?" He barked.

"My neighbors." I said lowly.

"Fuck your neighbors okay? What do I have to say to get you to understand that I actually care about you. To get you to see that I think you're beautiful and intelligent."

"Stop." I asked him trying to close the door but he pushed it open.

"I wouldn't be going crazy not being able to sleep if I didn't think you were beautiful, I wouldn't have tons of pictures in my phone of you and I wouldn't be sitting outside while your nosy ass neighbors watch me saying that I love you okay?" He asked.

"You what?" I asked him

"I love you. I ain't never shared my feelings in my life with no other woman except for my moms and you have me outside, standing with three different types of takeout, DVDs and my heart on my god damn sleeve. All I need is one chance A'taya. One chance to make this right, to heal you and to love you. Let me do that." He said to me his hand cupping my chin.

"I'm-"

"I know, you're scared. I'm scared too. Im just as blind as you are going into this thing and I've already professed my love to you. All I ask is one chance." He pleaded.

"Let me make it right." He said finally coming into my house and kissing my lips.

"I've been hurt, in so many more ways then one. I'm damaged." I told him.

"I ain't shit so what you saying?" He asked me.

"If I try you, and you hurt me-"

"I got you okay?" He asksed. "Just let go with me." He said kissing my neck.

Once I agreed to him with a head nod he set out the food, and chose a DVD for us to watch.

"So what's going on with you?" He asked me. He laid down under me as I set in between his legs with my hot tea in my hands.

"I quit my job today." I sighed sipping on my tea.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I wasn't feeling good, he forced me to work on my off day and then someone, a female he screws says she got the promotion. I was so hurt and angry over it. I have literally been bussing my behind to produce both my own and his work." I shook my head. "So I went in his office where he was with another woman who just so happened to be on her knees and I asked him was I ever gonna get the position. Reginald he told me that because I am black, fat and a woman I would never be able to have a job like that." I told him. "He even bring up my mother. I never ever mentioned my mom to him. " I shook my head tears beginning to spill out of my eyes.

"Hush baby. It's gonna be okay." He told me rubbing my back.

"And to top it off." I sighed. "Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. I thought that getting the promotion would make me feel better and make her proud. I just, I messed up." I shook my head.

"How did you mess up?" He asked me.

"For waisting time. For ever even believing that I could have that position. What was I thinking?" I asked.

I always knew people said corporate America isn't made for Black folks but I swore I'd defeat the odds. Make it to be something just like my mother did and wanted to do.

"You were thinking that you could concur the world. You were thinking that even though the odds are undefeated you could be the silver lining. Just like me and baby it is nothing wrong with that, I have done it and I got tattoos on almost all parts of my body but baby this was never what you wanted. You and I both know your heart was never into being a big executive at a Financial Analysts firm. Your passion is making clothes and in your heart what you want to do, is make your mother proud." Reginald said.

"But I failed. It's in my heart but I failed."

"You're crazy you know that?" He chuckled. "How could your mom, the woman you spend almost ever day talking to me about be the type of woman to not be proud of you. You are beautiful, and educated, smart and a God fearing woman."'he said pushing a piece of hair out of my face. "Listen babe, don't sit here putting yourself down especially because you're worth so much better than that stupid ass company." He told me.

I hit his chest. "Thanks but you've reached your cursing limit mister." I told him

He laughed. "Sorry, potty mouth."

"Thank you Reginald." I said.

"You're welcome beautiful." He said and kissed my cheek.

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