When I grow up | JiHan

Chapter 9 : Junghan

"Love is a piano dropped from a four-story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

-ANI DIFRANCO

Excerpt From: Rothenberg, Jess. "The Catastrophic History of You and Me."

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It's been almost a year since the incident, no news about him, no updates about his condition, if he's still unconscious, even if he's awake or what. I've been dying to visit him or ask his father and then I remembered how I acted towards Mr. Hong, and all my hopes suddenly fade away and I just don't have the guts anymore. I don't want to lose my dignity, it's the only thing I have right now for myself. Why do I always fuck up everything? All I wanted was to be happy and be with him, why do they always take my happiness from me?

●● flashback ●●

We moved to Seoul just because my parents found out that I was being bullied, they called me things and teased me because I look like a girl. Jackson is my best buddy to be honest, it really broke my heart to think that he's now the one who's making my life a living hell. I didn't really know what happened, all I know is one day, I am now the target. I can't do anything about, I was just a loser who happens to be the apple of the eye of the bullies. We moved here, hoping to have a new good start but little did we know, that the things you left behind might find a way to get to you again. Thanks to the social networking sites, they still find a way to make me suffer, so my schoolmates in my new school started to despise me for no particular reason. I tried to end my life and that's what made it worse. They thought I was just seeking for attention, but despite of all the unfortunate series that kept happening, I stayed strong, thinking God is doing this for a reason, and I think that the reason is Jisoo. 5 months later he moved to Korea, he's from America, cool, handsome, intelligent and became famous right away. He's easy to like, that's why at first sight I liked him and when I get a chance to know him better, I fell in love with him. We became close and suddenly I am willing to go early to school just to be with him. People started to treat me better, even if he's not around I don't feel lonely anymore because I know he'll come back and besides I met real friends who will always be there for me and got my back. I met Seokmin and Seungkwan, these two never fail to make me laugh, Mingyu and Mingming, they always protect me and there's Jisoo who completes everything.

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On our first anniversary we celebrated it in Los Angeles, we tried many rides as we can and he took me to the haunted house. He knew I am really afraid of ghosts. I thought it was a restaurant, I always believe what he says to me. I was screaming every time a ghost would appear, I would cling to him and threatened him that I will kill him but I don't always finish my sentence because a ghost would appear again. We're now at the bridge and suddenly a hand grabbed my foot, I jumped up and down, and because of fear, I ran away and left Jisoo behind. I realized what I've done and began to look for him but I froze, there's a ghost again going towards my direction, I began screaming for his name and then I remembered what he told me when he first saw me cry,

"Think of good thoughts whenever you feel scared, act brave so you can fool them and trust me they will stop bothering you. That's what I did back there in America. I got your back so don't you worry and I mean it." I didn't stop crying so he added, "Just think of me, when you're scared." And then he began to pose and I started laughing.

I stared at the ghost straight in the eye and told myself, " It's just a human like me, I am brave I can do this." And I did it, the guy left me at ease. I began searching for Jisoo, and I realized I can't do it, without him I can't survive. I began to panick, I thought I've lost him, I began to cry because I can't find him and I desperately want to hold him now to make sure he's fine. I end up lying on the floor, thinking of unrealistic and worst scenarios I've ever thought in my whole life. Luckily Jisoo found me right away. I was happy but I'm still mad at him, not because he took me here, because yes he helped me overcome my fear, but I discovered a new fear. A fear that I've been hiding from myself all along, I'm afraid of losing him. Just the thought of it makes my heart break.