HeavyDirtySoul | Tyler Joseph |

Twenty

Andrea

A few weeks later

I woke up from a 10 hour sleep and still felt like a zombie. I throw my hand on my nightstand and grab my phone. I press the unlock button.

11:00 a.m
January 18th

I fucking sigh and drop my phone onto my bed.

January 18th was the day my older brother way born way too long ago. And his life was ripped from him all too soon.

He never gets to experience the nervousness and proposing to a girl. He will never experience getting married to someone he truly loves. Never get to hold his first born child in his arms. Never get to teach his kids a sport or take them to whatever recreational activity they choose.

I immediately want to go back to sleep and sleep the day away until its January 19th and its no longer a constant reminder my brother will not be turning 23 to this day because he was killed in a tragedy.

I mean nothing is stopping me technically, it's Sunday. I have no school today, no responsibilities or plans.

So that's when I flop back on my stomach and fall back into a sleep.

A couple hours later I'm shaken from my slumber by Thomas.

"Andrea? Are you okay?" Thomas knows I had an older brother who died. He didn't get to meet him so this day literally means nothing to him. Just another Sunday, the day before he returns back to school.

"Yeah just tired." I sigh, shutting my eyes yet again.

"Wake up! You need to eat something!" He says, jumping up and down on my bed causing it to shake manically.

"Okay!" I reply, throwing my duvet off my, exposing my body to the cold. I trudge over to the kitchen and put some toaster strudel into the toaster. The clock on the microwave read 4:26 p.m.

"Where are dad and Laurie?" I ask Thomas as he had followed me into the kitchen.

"Dad is in the basement, and mom is out grocery shopping." He says. Sometimes I forget Laurie is his mom.
leave my head and flinch as the toaster strudel pops. I know today is bad and will not end well. The negative thoughts have been with me since I woke up and have been lingering. They won't be leaving anytime soon unless I take action.

The shitty thing is, is that everything was really good for a month and a half maybe even two. Everything was flowing nicely. I was happy and enjoying my life for once. But now I am completely and utterly triggered and I feel just as bad as I did before and if the months that have gone by where I was okay just vanished into thin air. Sad, isn't it?

I eat my toaster strudel and watch cartoons with Thomas thinking of what I will do the remainder of the day. I don't feel motivated to do anything.

'Just end it all. Be with your brother' the voices taunt me, making me wanna lash out and scream. Everything was so good until this fucking day.

I finish eating and retreat back to my room, trying to ward off the thoughts that won't stop nagging at me. I throw my pillow over my face and scream. It's muffled, so Thomas doesn't hear gladly.

I don't know how long I laid there and sobbed but then next thing I know I'm up and packing up a bag. I don't even know what or where I am going I just need to get the fuck out of this house.

I finish packing my bag which consisted of my journal, a pen, some clothes, my phone and charger. I throw my bag over my shoulders and bolt out of the house. I don't know what the time is ans I don't care. I'm leaving for now, can't stand that God damned house.

I walk and walk until my legs begin to burn. Cars rush passed me at fast speeds, people pass but can't see my tear stained face as if is pretty dark outside, not to mention the hood over my head.

I reach a field and still keep going. I'm familiar with where I am, so it's alright.

And then I find myself walking aimlessly along the train tracks. I sit down cross legged ANS take my pen and journal out. I begin scribbling down.

Dear Diary,

I don't understand what drive me to sit here tonight. The tears are streaming onto my notepad as I write down these damned words down. I feel like its my time to leaves I can't stand it anymore. Whenever something good happens it all crumbles to pieces. God doesn't want me happy nobody does so I leave you all with this letter, goodbye.

-Andrea. January 18th.

I hop off the track and drop my bag and journal onto the ground. In the tall grass with some snow covering it, lay some light grey cement blocks. I lug them over to the tracks, only a couple will suffice.

I sit down on the track. I'm pretty sure a train passed every hour so all I gotta do is wait. I sit down and spread my legs in front of me. I place the blocks on them and sit there. Letting the eerie silence of the breeze blowing fill my ears.

I don't even feel anxious at this point. I'm just sadly numb. Sitting here right now is probably the most relaxed I've been today other than when I was sleeping.

I feel like this is my best option because right now my world is spiraling down with no chance of resurfacing.

That's finally when I hear the train horn blaring from the distance. I look to my right to see if coming from a far. It plummets on the track towards me. This is actually happening right now. There is absolutely no going back, it's all inevitable at this point. In matter of moments I wont be on this world anymore, I'll be in a better place smiling down at the world with my beloved brother.