I am numb. But with you it's different. Kind of. It's like I know my emotions exist. I can feel them slightly. But it hurts. And I know after I talk to you and tell you everything you'll hate me. I've accepted it. I know I'm not a good person. It sucks that you will learn that dolphin lady and I had more in common than I'd like to admit.. But at least it will be the truth. You deserve that much. I should have never left the arrows in. I just didn't want you to be sad and hurt and I wasn't thinking at the time. I know there's no avoiding it you would have found out eventually anyway. I wish I had something to show for the months you've been gone but all there is is this mess that I have become. This is the me I never wanted you to know. All I've done is possibly made you feel worse in the span of 2 days and wallowed in self hatred. The worst part of it is even when all is said and done, even if you don't hate me, it won't change the fact that I hate myself. It sucks too because I've wanted nothing but to die for the past 5 months, and you wake up and want to too. It would have been easy if you had let me die that night. But now here we are. Back where we started. Depressed and confused as ever about everything. The only difference is you don't know the whole story. But you will. And afterwards...I don't know. I'm sorry I can't be more useful to you.
