I do this to myself...every single fucking time. I know staying awake late makes me get depressed. I know re-reading old things makes me depressed. But I still fucking do it. I dont want to feel this way. Not really. The only part I like about it is at least I can feel something...I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much. And I...I don't know how to help anymore. I feel like I've literally done nothing because, oh right, I haven't. I haven't vaped or had a drink in so long and I was actually somewhat proud of myself for once because I know I shouldn't so why the fuck did I do it? I had no fucking reason to. None. I just...don't know. I want the old days back. I miss it so much. I miss hanging out. It hurts. It physically hurts. How do I get past this? How do I be useful for once in my fucking life how do I be selfless? Gods who the fuck...why the fuck did I let myself become this? I used to have so much more control. Part of me is glad Im writing shit out even though it's literally rambling but it hurts because I feel it. Everything I ever feel is just fucking pain. Leagues a distraction and people are great but it doesn't fix it. I don't want to take meds but fucking hell I might have to...i don't know please I don't want to dying would be so much easier. Hell Im already headed for it anyway. I can't do anything. I don't have an identity. I don't know who I am just what I was bred to be. I need to forget. I want to forget but why do I stop myself each time? I'm sick. Everything I said-everything that was said to me by you, both of you, it sticks, and re-reading it I don't know. I've never felt so broken or torn in my life. It makes me hate myself. Because I can't find the words to make it better. I can't make it better. I know it's not my job or anything. That i should focus on my training if I want to do shit but I can't I don't know how every time I try like I just can't train for me. I don't know why. I am so tired of living for other people but I don't know how to live for myself. I really fucking don't. I think there was a point where I truly believed I was beyond saving so maybe I just said fuck it and focused solely on others. I know at one point it was a distraction from my own problems but I don't know what my problems are anymore. Aside from hating the fact I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be and having no motivation. Idfk Im just going to stop I can't do this.
