I couldn't tell you if it's worth it or not anymore. I should have talked to you about things but it was just painful and having your death replay in my mind over and over again...I didn't know how to feel. I still don't. I think about a while ago all too often. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It didn't mean nothing and you didn't get everyone in this. We all made that choice. For her and I it was made before we were put here. Technically for you as well. The thing is though. You paid your price a while ago. You shouldn't have had to pay again I just wish you would have listened when I said to get it under control but I can't talk to you the way I used to and I wish I could have. I've lost myself and in turn because of it...well...now I don't even want to get out of bed again. In a way you did play with my heart. In others you didn't. Even if she did, the outcome wasn't your fault. Back then I told you how I felt. About you and her as well. I made a decision with her when I knew how I felt. That was no ones fault but my own. You couldn't control how I felt either, and I know in a way it sucks because as I told you a long time ago, I wish I didnt have those feelings because I knew what you and her were. It made me feel like more of a douche than I already was. But this wasn't your mess to clean up. You werent responsible for her relationships and their outcomes. This whole time I kept debating if I hated you or the opposite. I think I hated you for making me have feelings, and Im hurt because you left me here again even though I know you can't control that, and lastly I hate myself for not talking to you that night when you asked what was wrong. Because I was laying on the couch where we used to lay crying because I remembered your death and it was getting to me so much. I guess now I know why. You'll never see this now. I'd say I'm typing it for closure that I know I'll never get, but really...Im typing it because I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Part of me thinks its for the best that you're gone. But one day I'll atone for this. Maybe you have some things to be sorry for...but none of it is as bad as what happened with you dying. So don't apologize to me when I am the one who is sorry.
