HERO SYNDROME

❝Living With A Monster Is Not Living At All ❞

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t r i g g e r

w a r n i n g
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My eyes closed as soon as I hit the floor. The faint smell of old pages greeted me. In any other time I would have welcomed it, but right now it just made me want to cry. The cool, air conditioned room didn't seem as welcoming as it usually was. It was...gut wrenching.

But it was my safe place. My safe haven when I was on the ground. My home away from home.

I blindly picked a book and mindlessly flipped through its pages. It wasn't my American Psycho copy but it would be enough to distract me. I was flipping to the second page when the door of the vacant library slammed open.

My breath caught when I heard a familiar voice. No, why was he here? I gave him an easy out. He wasn't supposed to chase after me!

"Phoenix please come out. I'm not leaving until you do." Jace called out. "We're friends now Archard, and friends don't leave when it gets hard. We stick together no matter what."

I shook my head. How is it that this idiot is so loyal to me? How was it that I, of all people, caught his attention. How did the quiet, non-existent, Phoenix capture the hard to understand enigma that is Jace Stone?

"There you are." he said softly, from in front of me. I stared blankly at him when he walked over to me. He crouched down  in front of me and crushed me in an unexpected hug.

As soon as I realized he wasn't going to let go anytime soon- I hugged him back. I hid my face in the crook of his neck and cried. I let myself go and cried, melting into his warm arms.

He didn't say anything. I didn't either. He didn't push me away. I didn't either.

"Please talk to me." he begged quietly holding me tighter after awhile.

"It's not something you want to hear." I finally croaked. He pulled away but kept his arms around me tight. His warm blue eyes pooled around me, as if he was trying to break my code or something.

"Maybe not." he said truthfully, "But I want to understand."

I looked away and pondered over my choices. I could lie to Jace and tell him the candy debacle was because I used to be fat and insecure. I could tell him it was an honest mistake and the only reason I cried, was because excessive colors freak me out.

But nothing would be better than the truth. And as much as I hated to admit it, Jace deserved the truth. So I told him what I could bare.

What I could share.

"Six months ago, before I met you, I overdosed. I was in a dark place and I wanted to find that light again." I began quietly, as Jace sat beside me to wrap an arm around me. I sank into his comfort. "No one was supposed to be home, I made sure of it. Mom and Max were at his championship game, out of town.

I remember sitting at my desk with a paper and pen. I counted all the blue lines on it and tried to rack my brain for anything. I couldn't leave them with no explanation, they needed to know why.

All I came up with was a single sentence. Living with a monster is not living at all, forgive me.

Then I spilled all my medication on my desk. Twenty four. Twenty four pink pills I counted. One for each hour of the day I wanted to kiss goodbye to.

Then I took them. Slowly, painfully slowly, I took each one and I couldn't stop crying. Everything I wanted to forget flashed through my mind.

My mothers smile. Stella's bubbly laugh. And Max's warm brown eyes. Then everything went black...." I trailed off as the next part of the story wasn't really my story but Stella's.