HERO SYNDROME

❝It Felt Like Drowning❞

With both Colton and Jace gone, I ventured out of my room. I found Max on the couch watching a FRIENDS marathon. I sat next to him silently and just melded myself in the silence of the house. It was Saturday and that meant I had group later on in the afternoon. I didn't know whether I wanted Jace to be there or not.

Who am I kidding? I'm sure I'm the last person Jace wanted to see.

After the first episode of total silence, Max turned to me. "Hey, everything alright?" he asked. I turned to him finally focusing on him. His eyes were pooled over in worry. I wanted to say no. I wanted to go to Max and ask for help but I couldn't. Because he didn't know about Colton. He didn't know about our past. He didn't know it was him he heard this morning. Or that Jace had seen us share a kiss.

Instead I smiled and shook my head. "Nothing, just really into this episode." I lied.

Max didn't buy this, so he said, "Whatever the issue is, it'll pass."

"How's Stella?" I asked pushing my issues away. Max noticed I was evading the situation, but thought better than to call me out on it.

"She's doing a lot better. Stella told me about catching a ride with Colton after school. They talked and there was a lot of yelling. She was pretty pissed off last night and didn't want to go back home. Apparently Colton felt the same and he never made it back home last night." He relayed to me. My heart skipped a beat and I hoped Max didn't put any pieces together. I darted my eyes away from him and back to the TV. If he noticed anything odd about my behavior he didn't point it out because he kept talking. "I think they should just call a truce already. It would be nice to hang out with Colton without having to feel guilty about Stella being mad."

"He's an asshole Max, I don't see why you like him so much?" I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. Max rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"If you just gave the guy a chance, you'd see he isn't that bad. He's come a long way from the kid who used to put gum in your hair." Max said, defending his old comrade.

"No matter how much time passes, the guy will never change...even if you really want to believe he has." I said bitterly, getting up to hide in my room again.

Then I was sixteen again, sitting in Colton's room with my tear stained cheeks and shaking hands. He was pacing the room back and forth nervously, running his hands through his thick brown hair. I thought Colton was the bravest person I had ever met. But seeing him pacing the room back and forth, I saw a kid.

"I'm not going to do it." I said in a quiet defiant voice. Colton stopped and turned to me, and it was then that I noticed he was crying too. "I can't."

"This isn't just your life your fucking up Birdy!" He shouted angrily. Any other moment I would have flinched, cried because he yelled, or told him to quiet down in case anyone heard. But his house was empty, and I was too angry to be scared of him.

"You selfish bastard!" I growled, shoving past him. Colton grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I quickly yanked my arm away from him and started crying and pushing him away from me, but he was a wall. "I hate you!" I cried over and over again. He just stood there and took it.

When I stopped I stumbled out of his room and he followed me downstairs. I was at the door ready to leave when he blocked it. I didn't touch him this time, I was too tired to fight anymore. Then he said, "This is my life too Birdy...our lives. Please just tell me you'll consider it." He pleaded with me. When I didn't say anything, he leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. "I love you Birdy." he whispered in a raspy voice.

I just stood there and I didn't think he was so brave anymore. He was a coward, just a selfish coward.

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