Call Me Six

36: 'Fall In Love' -Tris

TRIS-

"So... You don't think it's weird?" I asked, still unable to look him in the eye. It's embarrassing, I thought. Even after everything...

We were dressed once more, curled up in blankets at the foot of my bed whilst the silence of the night overwhelmed me.

Will and Christina were still not back... I'm starting to believe that they aren't actually going to return before breakfast - the sun is almost on it's way up anyway.

"The whole virgin thing? Nah... That's not weird; I was just shocked." His voice deceived him, I could hear the slight edge.

"I'm sorry-" The words just started to tumble out on instinct before Tobias quickly silenced my soon to be ramblings.

"Hey," he pulled me closer, his large hands griping at my waist, "there is nothing to be sorry for, okay.

"It's not weird. It's not embarrassing - or at least you shouldn't be embarrassed.

"Don't you dare for one millisecond think of this as a bad thing." He paused, letting out a shaky breath before taking my hands in his. "You're so pure, Tris - so beautiful. You're the most selfless, intelligent, brave and absolutely bonkers person I've ever met.

"Please, promise me, don't let anyone take that away from you... Ever." His eyes keep flickering, from my eyes, to my lips, to our hands.

"I'm gonna have sex some when, you idiot."

His face nears mine, our foreheads resting against the other's. And as he talks, his lips brush mine, causing a warm fire to erupt within me. "I know, I know, but that's not what I was referring to... Just, don't lose your morals, Tris, they're what make you perfect. And you're so perfect."

"Stop," I demanded. I don't want to hear this. Not from you.

"Why?"

"You're making me like you."

"So?"

"I don't wanna fall in love. Not with you. Not with anyone."

The fire was out. He launched back, standing abruptly and clambering up, off the bed. Tobias passed, back and forth up the length of my small room.

All I could do was sit there, still as stone.

He gathered up the empty boxes, bottles and glasses from earlier before walking out and slamming the door.

A scream resonated from downstairs - anger and frustration echoing through. Even muffled through walls and doors, the profanities were clear.

Until it fell silent. All apart from the soft patter of footsteps before my door creaked open.

"Is it my fault?" he said. All the previous anger was gone, replaced by guilt and sorrow.

I shrugged, still unable to look up at him.

"It is, isn't it?"

"It's a lot of things, Tobias. Can't bake a cake with just one ingredient."

I heard him sigh and close the door behind him. The bed dipped as he sat down behind me. Tentatively, he took my hands in his own.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No it's not," he sighed, his forehead resting against my shoulder.

"Then tell me why... Tell me why you did it. Why you cheated on me. Why you abandoned me. Why I had to learn about it from everyone else."

"I- I was scared. That night was supposed to be my first time too. And when it all went wrong... When I found out your parents died. I thought you'd blame me. I thought you'd turn around and hate me for what we did, what we were planning to do, and then what ultimately happened.

"I couldn't stand to visit you in the hospital. I thought that by coming to see you there. When you were injured. When you were grieving. I thought that it'd all be too real.

"And so instead, in those two months that followed... I said fuck it and didn't care. I didn't care what you'd think because I thought you'd hate me anyway. A few more reasons couldn't hurt...

"But then you came out of the hospital and you didn't hate me. Well... Not for what I thought you did anyway. You hated me because I'd abandoned you.

"But you forgave me. And I was too scared to admit what I'd done. So I waited. Expecting it to blow over and be forgotten about. Until you walked into school and heard everything.

"You definitely hated me then.

"And well... I couldn't just take it back. I couldn't pretend it didn't happen. Because it did.

"I made a mistake. And I had to live with it.

"I know it's a terrible excuse but it's not really an excuse anymore... It's just what happened.

"I'm sorry, Tris.

"If I could go back and change everything then I would-"

"But you can't. What happened happened. Like you said, we've just gotta live with it."

I shuffled around to face him and was greeted by light tear stains.

With the pads of my thumbs, I brushed off the last few strays from his cheeks. "Thank you. For telling me why."