Call Me Six

55: 'Leave' -Tobias

TOBIAS-

It's very rare that people get to see the true you. As humans, we only show what we want to; only let others know a minuscule fraction of the real us.

You can pretend to be someone you're not.  You can pretend to be crueler version of yourself. You can pretend to be someone that doesn't care, but you're always pretending.

No one knows the real Tris, not even I... But from time to time, I like to imagine that little slivers of her true self emerge, and they are beautiful.

~

"Tobias," she said, her head resting on my chest. "Do you hate me?"

I froze, not knowing what to say.

"I need you to answer completely honestly," she said. "I just- I just need to know."

"I don't hate you, Tris. I could never hate you-"

"You're lying. You could hate me, Tobias; I've given you a billion-and-one reasons to."

"I don't hate you-" I said, but she cut me off with a scoff.

She shifted awkwardly off the hospital bed, swatting at my hands when I tried to help. The open back of her gown faced me, her pale skin peeping through the holes. She looked like a ghost...

And as she spoke, her shoulders shook. "We can't do this anymore, Tobias." The few words was all it took for a heavy weight to settle in me. "I can't keep doing this to you..." She wouldn't even look at me as she spoke. "You don't deserve this; and I don't deserve you."

"Tris, I-"

"No. Tobias.

"Don't you even dare pretend like this isn't the biggest joke of a relationship ever. We're a total mess... How can you not see that? I just- I just can't keep doing this." She pulled her hands through her hair, and I just stood there, on the other side of the bed, as she spoke to the wall. "I think you need to leave, now. Go home, this isn't your mess to deal with."

I don't know how long it took to march around that small bed, but it felt like I was knelt in front of her shaking body in a mere instant. I took her hands in mine, her cold, thin hands.

"You don't mean this..." I said, trying desperately to get her to look at me, but her eyes were hooded.

"You're so wrong, Tobias; this is the most I've ever meant anything."

There was a moment of silence, where we just sat there, my forehead resting against her knees from where I was crouched on the floor and her fingers tangling in my hair. It's like I was trying to absorb the peaceful moment, forgetting where we were and what had happened in the months prior.

I wanted to feel like we were back in Chicago; before the fire. When she was the bubbly sixteen year old that dreamt of the perfect future and I was head over heels in love with everything she ever did. I wanted to turn back time. Go back and do it all over, make better decisions in hope that we could do it better.

I shouldn't have done the desperate one-night-stands that lead to her hatred of me. I shouldn't have ever left her side.

But what she said was true; we are destructive. And sometimes, when two volatile things collide, they hurt more than just each other.

"I love you... Tobias. But you need to leave." Her hand moved round to my jaw, her eyes finally locking with my own before he placed a chaste kiss to my hairline and looked away once more, her arms snaking around herself. "Leave."

I rose, slowly taking one last look at her before leaving, but before I even closed the door, I heard her sobs.

Will rushed into her room, Caleb glared at me and Cara sent a soft look of pitty as I passed them.

I staggered through the hospital, almost running through the halls to find a way out. But somehow, I ended up in the incubator room, taking quick glances at all the small, frail infants before finding hers.

A nurse stood by my side. "Sir?" she said, but I was too dazed to answer. I was staring at her child, a small bundle of innocence conceived by her trying to prove a point.

The child of my girlfriend, and one of my closest friends.

She was undoubtable his.

"Sir, you really shouldn't be in here."

"I know," I said, "But I just wanted to see her."

And then I left, walking through the halls once more before I tumbled out some random exit, clambered into the old blue truck and just sat there.

I slammed my fist against the steering wheel, letting out a blaring honk and startling some old woman.

"Fuck!"

And I did it again, taking it all the anger and frustration on the leather clad machine before driving off.

~

"Relationships are a waste of fucking time," I slurred, sat on Zeke's kitchen floor with a bottle of whatever by my side. "You do what you can to make it perfect and still get dumped because boo hoo, life is just so shit."

"Amen!" Zeke shouted and Shauna punched him swiftly in the arm. "Ow!" he squealed before his eyes bugged out wide and realised what he did. "But not ours, baby. We set new standards, we're so fabulous," he said, finishing with a grin.

"Hey, what are you doing he-"

"Bastard!" I shouted, as Uriah walked into the kitchen. Next thing I knew, I was stood right in front of him, towering over the short boy.

"What?" he said, as if I was the delusional one.

"Fuck. You. Uriah."

"Tobias-"

"It's your fault!" I bellowed, and his eyes went wide. "It's- It's..." I was sobbing, sinking back against the counter and down onto the floor. "It's your baby... My girlfriend had your fucking baby...

"Did you know she wouldn't even talk to me? For months I'd get nothing but shrugs or the odd word here and there. Fuck... Why is it that even when you try your hardest to love someone, everything can still go so wrong?"

And I think I just led there, mumbling out nonsenses as Uriah ran off, Zeke tried to get me to calm down and Shauna forced me to give up the bottle clenched tight in my hands.