So This Is Love?

CHAPTER 15 | I'm A Little Unsteady

Song is "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors 

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Do not tell secrets to those whose faith and silence you have not already tested - Elizabeth I 

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CHAPTER 15 ~ Zach's POV

I take in a quick breath before I start to tell Brooke everything. This isn't going to be easy. I haven't had to explain what happened to Em to anyone because the guys already knew about her condition, they knew why she died. I don't think I have ever wanted to tell someone what happened, and want them to understand without taking pity on me, as much as I have Brooke. I pause, take a deep breath whilst closing my eyes and prepare to relive everything. To share it all. And hope she won't pity me.

"Have you ever heard of Batten Disease?" I ask her and she shakes her head "It starts between the ages of 5 and 8 and you are only expected to live until your late teens or early 20's, sometimes into your 30's. You become blind and become unable to walk and among that you have seizures."

Brooke looks sad and she doesn't even know all of the story yet.

"My sister, Em, she was diagnosed with Batten Disease when she was 7. There isn't a treatment so the outcome was always grim. I know I should've known it was bound to happen but it took me by surprise. I didn't expect her to die so soon.

One afternoon it was so hot and I just came back from a walk when I heard her screaming. She couldn't talk much at this stage because another thing with it was you become unable to talk, but she managed to scream out my name and so I ran to find her. When I got to her she was on the ground and having a seizure. I hadn't seen her have a seizure before, mum would always take care of her so it was so confronting... I called the ambulance and they rushed her to the hospital but she....she  died. I couldn't help her, she was gone," I say, tearing up at the end. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting in the ambulance panicking about Emma.

"She was only 15. 15! It's just not fair," I start to rant, letting the tears spill over.

"So the day you saw me upset in the closet, that was the anniversary. November 13th," I finish explaining and bury my head into my knees.

Brooke says nothing for a good few minutes until...

"I think you might be the strongest person I know," she starts off.

"What are you talking about? I'm weak! If I was strong I wouldn't be crying. I am and always have been weak. How could I let this happen to her?" 

The guilt is too much, I should've called the ambulance earlier. I should've done something, anything.

"I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I have no sense of direction. I did but I don't anymore. I'm just sad all the time, rarely ever genuinely happy," I continue to tell her.

"One must not let oneself be overwhelmed with sadness," she quotes and I instantly remember the quote.

"Jackie Kennedy," I say, telling her that I know the quote.

"Yes. And do you want to know what I think?" she asks me, waiting for my response which comes in the form of a nod. "I think that what happened would be devastating. To lose someone so close to you at such a young age. You have every right to be upset but you are letting your sadness consume you, fill you and then leave you aching and feeling hollow inside."

She grabs my hand, squeezing it, and continues to talk, "I think that you don't talk about it enough. You never tell anyone about how you're feeling and you just bottle those emotions up. And sure that works for a while but nothing can stay bottled up forever. All your feelings come rushing out and you explode. You can't handle it all. You suffer alone so you won't be a burden. Well, guess what? I'm here, we all are, so that you don't have to carry that burden yourself. We are here to lighten the load. I understand that you've been through something no one this young should have to, you got dealt a crappy hand. Yes you can be sad but you can't let it consume you."