Lost In Love (vol. 1)

Why Didn't I Say That?

"I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away

All the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close

And having so much to say, and watching you walk away

And never knowing what could have been

And not seeing that loving you, is what I was trying to do."

- What Hurts The Most, RASCAL FLATTS

"Nate?'

The kitchen was still spinning but not nearly as fast as a moment ago. Nate dropped into the chair at the table with Janice's help. Her voice sounded strange, muffled and distant as his ears rang. He dropped his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will the dizziness to abate.

"Nate." Her voice was becoming clearer, more up close. "When was the last time you ate something?"

His head shook slowly in his hands. "I...I don't know." He rasped. His stomach twisted and pinched and cramped, reminiscent of stomach flu symptoms.

"You're not going anywhere until you get some food in you." Janice said. Emotion strained her voice and Nate wondered if she wasn't simply stalling, not having the strength of heart to see Kyle again so soon.

"I can't." Nate said thickly. "I'll...throw up...if I try to eat."

"Not eating is part of the reason you're feeling sick and light headed."

Nate slid one arm around his stomach and hunched over the table, his head supported in one hand. He squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed thickly. She was right, but the thought of taking anything in just made his stomach pinch and cramp more.

A pack of saltine crackers was set before him. He raised his head slowly. Janice sat down across from him. "At least eat some crackers. It's light and it'll get your system back to wanting food. You have to eat something."

Nate stared at the crackers. Even thinking of eating a single cracker caused his stomach to lurch, but he still pulled open the pack and took one out. He nibbled at it slowly, forcing himself to swallow the crumbs. Janice left the table, poured a small glass of milk and gave it to him. He sipped at the milk to keep the cracker from clogging his throat. He forced himself to eat a few of the crackers and drink half the glass of milk then set it all aside when his stomach began to protest.

"I can't eat anymore." he whispered, hoping he could keep down what he had swallowed.

"It'll do for now." Janice said quietly.

Nate stared at her as she gazed at her hands and slowly twisted her wedding ring back and forth. Her world had cracked down the middle when Jim had died, and now that crack was widening and everything was crumbling down and breaking apart. Maybe it was good for her to take care of him right now, gave her something to focus on other than Kyle. Taking care of Nate surely gave her the incentive to hold it together and stay strong. But he felt guilty nonetheless. She should be leaning on him, taking strength from him. She should be able to break down and scream and cry, and have someone there to hold her and be strong for her. Kyle had meant for that someone to be him.

Reaching across the table, Nate covered her hands with his. His throat squeezed and tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry." His chin quivered. Janice lifted her glassy eyes to his. "In his letter...Kyle asked me to look after you for him." Tears slid down Janice's face. Nate's quickly followed. "I'm sorry I keep falling apart...I should be strong for you."