Lost In Love (vol. 1)

What Meets The Eye

"I don't want to let you go, so I'm standing in your way

I never needed anyone, like I'm needing you today

...Rescue me from despair, tell me you will be there

Help me please – Darlin', rescue me."

- Do I Have To Say The Words, BRYAN ADAMS

A thick haze clouded the next few days, every minute seeming to simultaneously drag itself out and race by far too quickly. Nate spent every second at the hospital, leaving Kyle's room only when forced to do so. Even then, he only ventured as far as the waiting room, often passing out in one of the cushioned chairs from pure emotional exhaustion. His heart was a constant lead ball in his chest that grew heavier each day. And the throbbing in his head never ceased.

He would insist Janice go home and rest, take a break. But he himself couldn't get further than the entrance to the hospital. Janice would drag him to the cafeteria and force him to eat something every day, but it was tasteless – and not simply because it was hospital food. It could have been meals from a gourmet chef and it would have tasted like card board to Nate. None of his senses seemed to work right. Even his sense of touch seemed weakened, as if his nerves had receded deep below the skin and he couldn't feel anything.

Except Kyle's hand. When he clutched his hand, all the nerves rushed back to the surface and he could feel every tiny groove in Kyle's skin, the minuscule velvet hairs on the back of his hand and fingers. The slightly elevated, barely discernible scar on his knuckles from when he'd punch Nate for kissing him when they were fourteen. He hadn't taken into consideration the sunglasses Nate had been wearing when he threw his fist at Nate's eye. His knuckles had raked across the the metal rim before knocking them off Nate's face and connecting with his eye.

The corner of Nate's mouth tugged, trying to stretch his lips into a smile, but they merely twitched then settled into the dull frown that had become his common feature lately. He stood at the tall window in the waiting room and stared down into the parking lot. It was almost dark outside and the city lights were coming on at a steady rate. He touched the glass with his fingertips. It was warm from the intense heat of the day. Nate wished it would rain. Rain had a way of making the air feel fresh, clean...breathable. He could barely breathe this thick, heated air. He missed the country, the trees, rivers, and the gentle sunshine that caressed your face rather than seared it. He longed to lay in his bed at night and listen to the rain on the roof, ticking against his bedroom window.

His eyes closed as he pressed his forehead to the warm glass. Deep in the back of his mind he could hear the snow ticking against the cabin windows as Kyle had made love to him with his heart and mind as well as his body. If he'd only known...their love making would have been so different, so much more...intimate. He would have loved Kyle with so much more care and attention, stealing away both their fears with the heat of their love for one another. Kyle would have given him the ring, slipped it on his finger, and Nate would have promised him that he would stand by him through all of this, that he didn't have to be scared because he would be right there with him every step of the way, holding onto him, never letting go no matter what.

"Fuck." Nate choked as his throat squeezed and a sob swelled and lodged. He opened his eyes and the tears filling up behind his eyelids rushed forth down his cheeks. He pressed his head harder against the glass and stared at his reflection. He barely recognized himself anymore. He felt old, beaten down. Only twenty-two and already weary of this life.

His eyes looked past his reflection to the city that stretched away into the distance, seeming to fade away into the Pacific ocean as night closed in. He had talked Janice into going home, though he knew how difficult it must be for her to enter the empty house that crackled with memories of her only son. But he didn't want her here when he spoke to the doctor. She already felt guilty for the depletion of Nate's savings. Yet she didn't understand – Nate would have paid millions, billions, to keep Kyle here with them. Money meant nothing to him. Nothing meant nothing to him without Kyle.