Among Us (boyxboy) [ON HOLD]

Chapter 45 - Shallow Breaths

Citty had left a few hours ago. She hadn't wanted to, she'd probably preferred to stay and talk me into thinking about Matthew. I'd had to usher her out, almost literally drag her to the door, to get her to leave. I'd felt bad about it, felt bad about leaving her alone right then, but I needed this time. I needed being alone right now. Her talking about how I was an integral part of all this, how I was in too deep to get out anymore, was hard to deal with at the moment. And what she didn't understand at all, was the fact that without her urging me to, without her even hinting at it, Matthew was already all I could think about.

It seemed so absurd that just a few days ago I had sat at that table in the university cafeteria, belittling myself. I had sat there, blaming everyone around me for leaving me alone or not leaving me alone, wallowing in self pity, unable and unwilling to talk to anyone about it. I had felt so weak and shackled down by the thoughts and reactions my brain made me experience.

How wrong I had been.

This whole thing wasn't about me. It never had been. Nothing had been. All this had always been much, much bigger than me.

Even in my own life, I was just a supporting actor.

I stared at the ceiling over my bed, wondering what would happen now.

I wasn't really sure how I was supposed to feel, or what I was supposed to do. There was a high possibility I was still in shock. But then, did I ever really understand and properly appreciate what is happening to and around me while it was happening or did the realisation only come afterwards?

I wasn't ready to process all of it yet, maybe even a bit unwilling to believe it too. It was hard. One would expect to either find it all really cool or be freaked out beyond anyone's control. For me, it was the polar opposite of both; my mind simply seemed to dismiss the idea of it being a reality and refused to work through it. I was numb.

It wasn't a good feeling, it never had been. I was craving to feel something. At this point, I wouldn't even care if I was excited by it, even if that would be sick on a whole other level. I just didn't want to feel this numbness.

I remembered Matthew's gaze when he had looked at me in the town hall, begging me to understand. I hadn't much thought about what exactly he had wanted me to understand, but I did know that he had been desperate. It had been obvious.

I regretted just walking off, I wished I would have stayed, gone up to him and talked to him. Maybe then, I would not feel like this now either, maybe having someone talk me through what was happening was what I needed. Citty had tried but she was so obsessed with my place in all of this that I couldn't process. I needed someone calm and collected.

I needed Matthew.

Tears were gathering in my eyes, forcing me to squeeze them together and take a few deep breaths. I did not want to cry now, not when I felt so hopeless already. This would only make it worse.

While it was hard comprehending the recent events, what pained me was how easily I had given him up. My own mother had been the one to get him, I had only just voiced so much as a small little comment. I had let him go. If I had not talked myself to sleep we could have maybe gone upstairs, slept in the bed, and maybe we would have overheard the door bell. Maybe we could have had one more tea together in the morning.

It was ridiculous to even think about my mother giving up and just leaving, but I couldn't help myself. I had been there and I had done nothing. I should have stood up for him more, not wavered or doubted him.

It scared me how I was still craving his presence so much, even after finding out how he had lied to me. For all I knew he could have lied about every single thing, but I could not help but want to believe in him.