Among Us (boyxboy) [ON HOLD]

Chapter 30 - Sunshine

It wasn't like there had never been any situations where Matthew and I got closer than friends would ever get. We had had the moments where we turned our heads at the same time, noses almost touching, with a short few seconds of silence and the following, inevitable embarrassment. We had woken up more than enough times in a tangled mess on his bed after being completely drunk the night before. But never had either of us moved to confirm anything. There had never been any intentional touch.

But I had craved it. I'd never really known when my gaze had started lingering longer than it already had, or when I started wanting to get drunk with him even though alcohol had never meant much to me to begin with.

Now it was different. Now I had made the first step.

Only, there was no going further.

Matthew had pushed away from me after a few minutes. He'd pulled his hands up and put them on my cheeks, looking me straight in the eye.

"It's not the right time."

I had not given him any answer, for there was nothing I could think of to say. I hadn't agreed. Feeling him had been my only focus, but I wasn't about to beg. No, for that I had been far to exhausted, emotionally.

Instead I had closed my eyes and pathetically bathed in the warmth his fingers had translated to my cheeks.

I was lying with him still, my back now to his chest with his arms loosely around my torso. It was a position that confused me. I felt so close and intimate with him in this moment, while at the same time I knew that he didn't want us to be together in this way.

His thumb lightly ghosted over my forearm in a steady rhythm, trying to calm my obviously racing heart.

It was not all because of Matthew. Citty was still on the forefront of my mind. It was like a back and forth between the two. Both drove me absolutely crazy with worry and confusion. They fought for dominance in my thoughts, coming to the forefront and retreating far too fast for me to keep up.

My head was confused. But so was my heart and I couldn't deal with it.

"I can't believe how I've not noticed her being gone for the whole week. Thinking of it now, it's true that I hadn't heard of her since our shopping trip but I never even realised. How could I not find it odd? How could I be so stupid? I should have seen her in uni sometime!" I was mad at myself now. It had been obvious but I hadn't noticed.

My hand fisted the sheet, not knowing where else to let out my anger.

"You're not at fault here, love." Love. The nickname sent tingles down my spine, even though he'd called me that in the past once or twice, even if only very scarcely. I knew it had little to do with what had just happened and more with the fact that it had a soothing effect.

"I feel useless."

I had finally said it. I felt useless. There wasn't anything I could do or any way I could help. I could only hope that someone else eventually found her or that she would turn up of her own accord. It was a numbing feeling.

"I know. That's understandable. But Duncan, don't give up, okay?"

I didn't want to answer and nodding would have been a lie, so I didn't react and instead shuffled closer to him, allowing his proximity to calm me down.

Sunday I met with Oliver. I had ended up staying at Matthew's anyway, not really sleeping but tired nonetheless. I'd left in the morning after a very much silent breakfast with a lot of worried glances from Matthew.

We never talked about that kiss we'd shared the night before.

"What do you mean, she's gone?" Oliver asked for the second time.