Among Us (boyxboy) [ON HOLD]

Part four: Chapter 76 - Unread

The few days after our return passed so peacefully, I sometimes had to remind myself that things were still not alright everywhere else.

My nightmares and imagined visits, however, didn't cease at all. They were there and they got me, usually when I was alone without Matthew to calm me down. They haunted me. Even when they didn't happen, I still knew they were coming and it only made it worse. I was having panic attacks so frequently, Matthew didn't even leave the room without me anymore. He was scared and I hated making him feel like this, but the truth was, I needed to be close to him as well. I was scared too. Scared of being alone.

The time spent with him had led to many conversations. We had talked about so many things that we'd already had long discussions about before, but he also told me about his childhood, about what society and family meant to vampires. He told me that a coven was almost equal to what us humans perceive as family. He told me that in his coven, his blood related family acted as heads. He told me that sometimes, this led to other vampires not being satisfied with their position in the coven. Though he did not mention names or even confirmed that that was the case here, Toby's face immediately appeared in my mind.

Matthew also talked about his brother a lot. About his fears, his doubts, his shame. How his parents, who he'd always looked up to, had betrayed such a very fundamental of his life. He told me how painful it had been for him to hear that his disabled brother had been left on his own so young, that he didn't even know what disability he did have because everyone stubbornly refused to even tell him that much.

What made him finally cry was the face that some part of him understood the dangers his parents had to consider about raising a disabled child in a community that valued power so much.

For these conversations I had to pretend to be the strong one. It was the worst to not feel capable to help the one person so important to me. It tore me apart that even when Matthew was crying into my shoulder I was still scared to my bones about going to sleep a few hours later. I hater myself for shaking not for Matthew but for the fear of what was hanging me.

Sometimes I even asked myself whether or not this relationship was a healthy one. Yes, he was the only one that could help me when I had panic attacks. Yes, he said he needed me.

But was it truly enough when we were both so broken? Was it enough when I did not have the capacity to even think about anyone else but myself at the moment? My fear overtook everything and I felt betrayed for Matthew's sake.

I never voiced any of those thoughts. They were for me and for me alone. I did not want to leave, even when logically, it was the better thing to do.

I should leave and get better, let him heal as well. But I was selfish and I didn't. I loved Matthew, but above all, I needed him. Maybe I would stop needing him so much at one point in my life. Maybe then I could let go of this guilt and start concentrating on the way my heart still beat for him.

I was crying now.

My hand gripped onto his one that was not holding up the book he was reading. We'd fallen into the habit of him reading and me just following my thoughts. It was an arrangement to enjoy a well deserved silence. But it also let me follow my thoughts down a path I never wanted them to go down.

So I was crying and it didn't go unnoticed. His arm immediately moved to hug my shoulders and pull me into him. I complied, folding half of my body over him to feel his warmth.

I was trembling, but it became weaker with every calming heartbeat of his. People say vampires were undead, but how could they be if Matthew had such a strong and warm heart still pulsing in his chest?