Hi,
this is the shortest chapter so far. I'm sorry, next will be longer again.
Adam's POV:
I sleep until 1 pm. I'm totally okay with that; I haven't planned doing anything today. I just want to be at home, do nothing but thinking about life and that it sucks. I guess I sound kind of depressed. And yeah, maybe that's what I am, but I think it's normal in my situation. I hope.
I go downstairs. Sauli is sitting at the table in the dining room with his laptop. When he sees me, he shuts it.
"Good morning, babe! Do you want breakfast? We still have some pancakes from yesterday."
I shake my head. I'm not hungry, I'll eat later, maybe.
"No pancakes? Okay. Do you want me to make you something else?"
I shake my head again and look at the ground.
Sauli stands up and walks over to me. He grabs my hand and gave my a worried look.
"Adam, you have to eat something! I don't want you to get sick! You haven't eaten yesterday either...you have to be hungry!"
I shrug. Maybe I am a bit hungry. I've just reached the point where I don't care if I eat or not. If I starve or not. But like always I don't want Sauli to be worried about me, so I kiss his cheek and then get one pancake from the kitchen. One is enough for today.
***a few days later***
The following days passed by and I'm still unable to talk. I doubt I'm ever going to get my voice back. First I had hope, but it gets less every day.
The last days were almost the same. I sleep long, barely eat, I mostly sit around and think. I kind of feel sorry for Sauli, too, because he's always suggesting things, wants to go shopping or something, but I always have to tell him that I'm not feeling like going out. And that's the truth. I used to love shopping, especially with Sauli, he has a great taste. But for some reason I rather stay at home, although there's not much that I can do. That I wanna do. I don't even listen to music, because it reminds me of my career and that makes me feel depressed even more.
When Sauli isn't there I spent the time crying. He told me I can always cry in front of him, but I don't want to. So I wait until he's gone, or I cry at night when he's asleep. It's still hard for me to fall asleep. One night I didn't sleep at all, the following night I fell asleep early but had a nightmare.
I dreamed of our car accident. In my dream I haven't lost my voice. Instead of that Sauli was unconscious and I had to drag him out of the burning car. When we were waiting for the ambulance I realized, that Sauli's heart had stopped beating and one minute later he died in my arms.
After that nightmare I woke up sweating and breathing heavily. Tears were running down my face and I turned my head around immediately. Luckily Sauli was still lying next to me in the bed. He was still sleeping, my heavy breathe wasn't loud enough to wake him up. It's okay and I also didn't want to wake him. I could handle a silly nightmare! Sauli deserves to sleep and not being bothered by his boyfriend in the middle of the night! But at the same time I was afraid of falling asleep again. I hate nightmares.
Sauli died in my dream! That's the worst thing that could ever happen in my life! He's my everything. He has done so much for me, I can't live without him!
So I decided to stay awake for the rest of the night and watch Sauli sleeping. The moonlight shined directly through the window into the room, perfect to watch Sauli's face. I kissed his forehead softly.
Sauli is the love of my life. I want to spend my whole life with him. I wonder if our relationship is going to last that long. I hope Sauli loves me as much as I love him. I hope he understands that there are times where I just want to be alone though... especially now. And I hope he's okay with me not wanting to talk much about my feelings and depressions. I hate that. Sauli has better things to do than listening to my shit.
