Broken English (Saulbert)

18. I'll pay for it

Sauli's POV:

Two pieces of paper. I pick them up and look at them. It's a note Adam wrote a few days ago. He loved me, he trusted me and I ruined everything. Adam must have ripped the note into pieces. Does he hate me? I think so. This thought makes my eyes watering again. I love him! I still love him so fucking much!

I go to the dining room where I search for some tape in a drawer to tape the pieces together. I want to keep this beautiful note. Some of my tears land on the paper. Maybe this was the last note he wrote to me. The last time he told me that he loves me...

Adam means so much to me. I would do anything to just have him by my side again. I don't care if he doesn't want me to touch him or if he doesn't want to talk much. I realize how lucky I had been, before that thing with Gabe. I was so lucky to be Adam's boyfriend, even if he was depressed. At least we trusted each other. And now?

Suddenly a thought hit me. What if Adam is going to break up with me when he comes home? What if he hates me and wants me to leave? Where would I go? Back to finland? I have no idea. This can't happen!

I stand up and start to walk around in the room. I want Adam to be here! Then he could finally tell me what's going to happen with our relationship. But actually I think the ripped note was proof enough that Adam hates me. And it's still my fault! I take a vase, which was standing on a shelf and throw it on the floor in anger. It breaks into a million pieces. I don't care and keep walking around crying until I finally break down on the kitchen floor. I pull my legs to my chest and cover my face with both hands. I've never deserved a boyfriend like Adam. I broke his innocent heart. I still can't believe what I've done. I don't even deserve another boyfriend, I deserve to be alone. Then I wouldn't be able to hurt someone.

Without thinking I reach for a knife that was lying on the kitchen table. I slowly start to slide the blade over my left wrist and watch the blood dripping to the white kitchen floor. I've never hurt myself before, I've never felt the need to. Until now. I deserve the pain. I bet I made Adam feel so much more pain, so I can handle those cuts.

Adam's POV:

Finally I can see our house again. I run faster. I thought about Sauli the whole run. And now I know that I want to apologize to him. My feelings for him never faded. I was just shocked about what he's done, but I could never hate him. When I arrive I search for the key in my pocket and open the front door. Actually I have to shower now. I'm sweating like everywhere. Well I think there are things which are more important than showering now. So I just fix my hair quickly in front of the mirror in the hall.

"Sauli?", I call out for my boyfriend.

I got no answer. I hope he is at home! Where else could he be? I quickly walk through the living room and the dining room. I stop next to the table, because I recognized a note. I grab it and realize that it's the same note I ripped in pieces this morning. And Sauli fixed it to keep it? He must really love me. "Sauli?", I shout. Still no answer.
"What the..." there is a shattered vase on the floor. Why? I go around the corner where our kitchen is. I find my boyfriend on the floor and was about to talk to him, but I lose my words when I realize the blood on the floor.

I look at him shocked, but Sauli keeps staring at the floor, not showing any reaction. I wonder where the blood comes from. Did Sauli just fell or did he hurt himself on purpose? I recognize a knife in his right hand. I shake my head stunned.

"You didn't?! Sauli..."

I fall on my knees in front of him. "Show me your wrist!" As he doesn't react I take his left arm carefully and saw a few blood dripping cuts. I feel my eyes watering immediately.

"Why did you do that?"

"Why do you even care?", he answers. I swallow. I asked him the same this morning, when he wanted to know where I was going to go.

"You did that because of me, didn't you? Sauli, please look at me!" I take his face in my hands to make him look at me. Finally his red swollen but still beautiful eyes are staring into mine.

"I did it because I'm a horrible person. You better leave me, Adam, I don't want to hurt you again!"

Sauli stands up and wants to go, but I grab his arm.

"What are you talking about? I'm not gonna leave you, I came to apologize..."

"Apologize for what? I'm the one, who made the mistakes so I'll pay for it!"

"We both made them! It won't get better if you hurt yourself though, so please hand me the knife!"

Sauli shakes his head and hides the knife behind his back.

"Sauli, I'm serious, please give me that damn knife!", I shout at him in tears.

I can't let that happen again! He can't hurt himself because of me!