You Saved Me, I'll Miss You. (A Dan Howell Fanfiction)

Chapter 1, Chloe

     Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Chloe Hamilton, and I live with my older sister, Ashley, and my younger brother Jackson. We live in a little house on the outskirts of London.

     Eleven months ago, when we lived in Cheshire, our parents were murdered, they counted 23 knife wounds on each of them. I'm seventeen now, Jackson is fourteen, and Ashley is nineteen. 

I started self harming pretty bad, on my arms and legs. It doesn't really matter though because it's hard to differentiate between the scars from me and the scars from James.

     James Carter was my boyfriend at the time. He helped me through a lot of what I was going through and I really thought I loved him, until he noticed my depression and cuts. He then decided to punch me directly in the face, breaking my nose.

     Over the course of three months, he continued to abuse me. He would burn me, cut me, punch me, kick me, and occasionally would try to rape me. He never actually raped me, but he would try really hard. Eventually the alcohol in his system would make him too exhausted to continue, and he would give up.

     I eventually got away, and Ashley took us to London. It's been seven months since we've seen any sign of James, but I'm still weary. He told me that if I ever leave him he would come for me.

   Ashley takes care of us though, it's hard but she pays the rent, buys us food, lets Jackson have a library card, and does everything she can for us. If I could thank her, I probably would. But my words don't seem to form very well anymore. I'm not on meds for my depression, but only because we can't afford to go to the doctor.

     Ashley gets really mad about my cutting, she doesn't understand. I do it to try and take some of the guilt away, like maybe if I make myself numb enough, I won't feel it. Or if I slice into my skin then I might feel a glimpse of what my parents felt when they were dying. I usually just sit in my room, staring at the ceiling, not really doing much of anything. Every once in a while, Jackson will come in my room and try to talk to me. He enjoys reading, and video games. He absolutely loves mystery books,and every time he finishes one, he'll come in and tell me about it. He handled the past eleven months better than I did. I love him so much and I just wish I had the energy to show him that. He is so strong.

     Ashley keeps trying to take my blades away, and telling me that if I don't stop, then Jackson will start copying me. So I just wear long sleeves and try to avoid contact with her as much as possible. I don't need her making me feel any more guilt than I already do.

  I walk into the kitchen to ask her when school starts, I haven't gone since the incident and it's August. I see her drinking some coffee, and she looks up at me. I haven't really spoken to her all week, I rarely talk to her anyway. She starts to speak.
"Look, I know you were close to mom and dad, and then there was James, but please just try to get better. If not for you, then do it for Jackson. He really loves you Chloe, and you need to start showing you love him back."

  "It's not that simple Ashley. You don't understand." I walk back to my room, shut the door, and lie down.