Love and Consequences.

Chapter 21

It’d been days since I’d seen Emily. The doctors ordered for me to stay away from the premises because of complaints from Emily. I didn’t like the idea that I was scaring her. So I stopped. I stopped visiting her, I stopped calling her, I stayed away from Diane. But I couldn’t stop thinking of her. As much as I hated it, she was everywhere I looked. Every place I went, every thought that entered my mind. I could hear her voice in my head, and I could almost feel her touch. In every conversation, I felt the need to bring her up, and every thing I did reminded me of her. But I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t show off my weak spot again. It was over. And as much as it hurt me to admit it, it was. I had lost all complete faith that I could ever have her again.

I moved out of Emily’s uncle’s place, and rented a hotel with mum. I didn’t like it. But I seemed to lose interest in everything. I was like a zombie. I couldn’t smile, cry, laugh. I was just emotionless.

I knew I couldn’t stay, cramped in this apartment as much as I wanted to. Scooter had called me and few times about a song he’d been working on. Maybe making music could take my mind off everything. 

I threw on a t-shit and pants, and dialed Scooter’s number. 

“Justin! I haven’t heard from you in days. How you holdin’ up?” Scooter’s croaky voice spoke. 

“Fine,” I paused. “Can we look over that song you told me about a few days ago?” 

“Really?! Sure! I mean, I’m heading over to the studio in south at 3, Want me to grab you on the way?” 

“Sounds good, oh I’ll drive myself though.” 

“Sure?” 

“Positive.” 

Scooter met me out the front of the studio and I faked a quick smile. I think he could see I wasn’t in the best mood. He gave me a quick hug and then he lead me inside. Scooter began to speak about the song, but I didn’t pay attention. How was I supposed to, when the only thing on my mind was Emily. 

I kept walking, pretending to listen to Scooter. 

“This room, Justin.” He said, pushing me towards the big door. It was empty which surprised me. I expected to see a few recording people, but it was completely abandoned. 

Then behind the door, a figure emerged. It scared me at first, before I realized who it was. 

“Justin, my man” Usher’s voice echoed in the room. I didn’t say anything, I just jumped into his arms like a little 5 year-old kid. 

I took a deep breath, not wanting to let go of him. I swallowed deeply before letting go.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, half smiling. 

“Came here to see you,” Usher’s husky voice echoed,  “Scooter told me about Emily. I’m really sorry man.” 

“Thanks.” I mumbled, scratching the back of my neck. 

“Here, why don’t you look at the piece of music, it might get your mind off..” he hesitated, “..Things.” 

I nodded and took the sheet of music. Usher was right, it was worth a shot. 

I walked out of the studio laughing with Usher and Scooter. It’d been the first time I’d actually smiled in the past week. They’d both found my good side again. Singing and writing with them both, boosted my energy. I needed that. 

Usher patted me on the back still laughing. “Nice spending time with you, I’ll come back to the studio to see you and record more of that song soon!” 

“Yeah! Absolutely” I nodded enthusiastically. 

“Alright, I gotta run for dinner. Nice seeing you bro!” Usher pulled me into a big hug. He felt like my older brother at that moment. 

“I’ll see you soon, thanks for today!” I yelled, as he trolled towards his car. 

He turned around and waved, and then he was gone. 

“Hey I have to get somewhere too,” Scooter suddenly said, “You going to be okay?” 

“I’ll be fine, thanks for today Scooter” I told him solemnly, already heading towards my car. 

“No problem, I’ll call you soon. Take care Justin.” 

I hopped in my car, much more brighter than I usually was. I didn’t have Emily on my mind, I don’t know how, but I didn’t. Somehow today had made me forget everything. I thought maybe I wasn’t going to be as horribly depressed as I usually was. Maybe. 

I started up the Volvo, I felt so much more alive and I didn’t know why. Maybe because I’d been practically dead for the past week. I don’t even remember what I was thinking, but I wasn’t thinking. As my car began to start, I zoomed my way past the studio and on my way back to the hotel. I flicked on the radio, hoping to find a good song on. 

Instead I sat in shock. My smile dropped immediately and everything flashed back to me. I pulled over immediately because I physically couldn’t keep driving. 

As soon as I hit the curb at the side of the rode, I broke down. I don’t think I’d ever cried, because to a song before. Why? Why did that song have to play. 

I came across a fallen tree, I felt the branches of it looking at me. Is this the place that we used to love? Is this the place I have been dreaming of? Oh simple thing, Where have you gone? I’m getting old, and I need something to rely on. So tell me when, you’re going to let me in. I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

I could hear her voice ringing in my head, with her sweet voice almost killing me beautifully. That’s when it all sunk in. All I had was memories. I couldn’t have her, ever. 

Ever again. 

I cried. I cried so hard, and I felt stupid. Stupid for loving her so much. Stupid for not moving on. Stupid for sitting there crying by myself like a child. 

So immature, so fragile, I was. It was the first time I’d cried since I was at the hospital. This time, I couldn’t help each tear from falling down my face. 

I couldn’t cope. I was lost, and I’d never felt so lonely in my life. 

I somehow incredibly, I made my way back to the hotel after, what seemed hours of crying.  I budged my key through the hotel door and stormed through the apartment throwing the keys on the floor. I could feel the need to cry coming over me again. 

I cursed quietly to myself, and slumped into the double bed. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t. 

I hid under the blankets trying to force every hint of light or image from my eyes. But even with the lights out, Emily was still, somehow, there.