I Hate Myself but I Love You

Chapter 11

Laura screams and I almost jump out of my skin in shock. She shouldn't be doing much, not this early. But this could mean she's made her decision. It's not even day two of the change yet. This is either good or very, very bad.

I lean toward Laura, watching her face closely for a sign. Anything so I can know if she's truly going to die.

Her heart stops completely and I put my head in my hands, everything hitting me with full force. I shake but no tears come from my eyes. I'm too horrified at what I am, what I've become. She's officially dead. I killed her. I killed Laura. I killed the only person I've found worth living for. With her, for the first time in centuries, I felt normal. I felt human. I felt like maybe I'm not that monster. I love her, and I know that no other will take my undead heart. I am doomed, a monster with all of these horrid emotions, to walk the Earth until I wither away into nothingness.

I saw this coming, me being the destruction of her. Laura's too kind, too courageous, and much too beautiful and I knew I would mess this up. I knew my darkness would taint her light. And now that light has gone out altogether. I have destroyed her.

Laura sits up on the bed and I just look at her, not allowing myself to believe these lying eyes. She's gone, she's dead. Laura's eyes are silver and fangs protrude from her mouth. She's looking at me.

How will this illusion torture me? With sharp, stabbing words or by showing me what I could have made her?

"Carm?"

The sound is like a punch to the gut and my hand blurs, tentatively touching her arm.

She's real.

Tears stream down my face and her eyes return to their normal beautiful chocolate brown. Her mouth is twisted down in a frown and I know she's concerned because I haven't said anything but I'm mute. I'm speechless with a joy beyond description. There are no words for this feeling.

Laura reaches out and cups my jaw in her small but capable hands and I lean into the touch.

"Laura," I manage to get out.

Her face lights up. "Hey. I was worried for a second. Are you okay?"

I choke out a watery laugh. "Cupcake, you just joined the ranks of the undead and you're asking me if I'm okay?"

"Yeah, I care about you Carm." We have one of those awkward tension moments I hate from bad television shows where all that's going through my mind is 'I really want to kiss her'. Laura clears her throat and laughs nervously. "Besides, I thought vampires don't cry?"

Good. This I can do. I can deal with bantering and probably-closer-than-friends-but-neither-of-us-are-going-to-mention-it touching but not the moments when everything fades away and there's only her.

"That couldn't be less true. Becoming undead doesn't stop that unfortunate side effect of having emotions."

And I have never felt more grateful to those emotions I have cursed since my undeath. Because loving her, even if it isn't mutual, is the best feeling I've been cursed with.