I Hate Myself but I Love You

Chapter 12

Laura's laugh is music to my ears after two days of the torture of not knowing. She's quickly serious again and studies me like I'm her new favorite show to figure out. "Why are you crying?"

My eyes are still doing that? Stupid things. "I've damned the only woman I've loved in decades to an eternal life. I'm terrified of what you might become, of what I might make you become."

Running away from my feelings and not talking to Laura was one of the reasons our relationship failed. Thinking she was dead was enough to emphasize how much I don't want to live without her. Even if we never have a romantic relationship again, being in her presence is enough. It has to be.

Laura shakes her head, "It was the only way, Carm. And thanks, for you know, saving my life again. Sorta. Does it count as saving my life if I'm undead now?"

I laugh, automatically leaning in and touching our foreheads together. Her mind is fascinating. I studied psychology with Freud himself (I tracked him down and he had no problem teaching me his theories as long as I didn't mind him studying me) and got a degree from that hellhole of a college. I have never encountered someone like her in all my years. She's utterly unique.

Only when I notice Laura blushing furiously do I realize exactly how close we are. I move back, hating that we messed up whatever we have (or even more depressing, had) so much that I can't be close to her the way I want.

I miss her. She's sitting right in front of me, but knowing she's not mine and might never be again makes the hollowness in my chest ache more than usual. And I don't miss the kind of touching I'm sure the dirty minds of Laura's fans think about. Sure, I miss that but not as much as I miss just holding her in my arms and reveling in the fact that she's mine and I'm hers.

I remember another thing about new vampires and glance at the clock. I grimace at the time.

"What is it?" Laura asks, gently touching my hand.

I ignore my stupid emotions that have me swooning at her mere touch and get blood from the fridge. I grab one for me, knowing Laura will want her TARDIS mug to drink out of. I get another mug to pour my blood into. I hand Laura her mug and her face lights up.

"You saved this? How did you even get it?"

"I have my ways, cutie. And you wanted to know why I looked at the clock." Laura nods, wiggling in the bed, her eyes shining with barely concealed excitement. She loves knowing new information, especially if its about me or vampires in general. "I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. The first night after a new vampire's transformation, they transform again. You're going to turn into whatever your animal is. I'll turn with you and help you through the night. You'll be able to turn back again in the morning."