I Hate Myself but I Love You

Chapter 17

Laura is understandably exhausted, even after her cat naps (pun very much intended). She's still weak after turning, so I make her take the bed. Somehow, as tired as she is, she still finds that annoying stubbornness within her and argues that it's my cabin, she shouldn't make me sleep on the floor. I only give in when she says that she won't sleep until she knows that I'm there next to her (it has nothing to do with that pout).

We both ignore the implications of her words, but I can't help hoping that someday I'll be able to lie next to her as girlfriends once more.

It's a single bed, the one we're sharing. I have never had anyone come up here with me, so I didn't need a bigger one, or another. And hauling an entire bed through the forest to get one here sounds too draining, so I won't do that unless it's absolutely necessary.

She changes into the pajamas I give her in the bathroom and I change into mine while she's gone. I slide into bed, half of my body practically hanging off of it in an attempt to give Laura as much space as possible.

I listen to her footsteps getting closer and hear how she hesitates at the edge of the bed before getting in. Even with me half on half off the bed, our bodies are still inches apart.

"Why are you all the way over there?" Laura yawns, turning on her side to face me. Her eyes are closed. "You're my friend, Carm. Get over here." I hesitate, and she notices. "Friends cuddle. Now get over here."

I recognize her serious voice and scooch closer, still unsure. She grumbles, her voice thick with sleep and grabs my body, pulling me closer. She buries her head in my shoulder and it feels just like when we were dating and shared a bed. Minus the relationship and the sleepy kisses.

We're friends. Remember what Laura said. We're just friends. I fall asleep silently repeating those words.

***

It's dark where I am, darker than the inside of my coffin. She's here, my only friend and ally through the centuries. The hand of guilt is wrapped around my throat, making it impossible to breathe. I plead, begging for something unclear to me. Everything is foggy, like stars seen through a bad telescope.

In an instant I can focus. Tears of blood drip down my face and I sob, not bothering to quiet my sorrows. It's my fault. I told Laura how to kill her. It's my fault. Someone's screaming and it's so heart wrenching with such animalistic grief that it takes me a bit to recognize the screams as my own. It dies down quickly, replaced by hushed whimpers.

"Mattie, Laura, I'm sorry. I've killed you both."

Warm arms wrap around me and I shatter, letting all my repressed emotions out in the form of tears.

I killed the two women I love the most.