I Hate Myself but I Love You

Chapter 42

Laura's POV

I must've heard her wrong. There's no way she actually said... Carmilla's eyes are full of panic as she stands so still it's like she's more frozen than Han Solo was.

She glances pleadingly over her shoulder. "A distracting explosion right now would actually be useful right now, Doctor Frankenstein."

No explosion happens and we're left standing in the clearing. There's soot in my hand from the grass and I can't speak and I know Carmilla won't. Right now, I'm pretty sure Carmilla's hoping I didn't hear her (though the way my mouth is still slightly open in shock may be an indication that I heard her) or hoping that I ignore what she's said altogether.

But I heard her; I'm not going to ignore it. Somehow, she's fallen in love with this naïve provincial girl. I know she could play it off as a joke, but she won't. We could both hear the truth in her voice.

Whoa. She loves me. Not just that, she's in love with me. I can see the fear in her eyes and I'm hit with the reality that I could break her. I could shatter her until she's nothing but a shell of herself by just uttering a few harmful words. Carmilla's strong, stronger than she gives herself credit for, but love is the one weakness that could destroy her. I think her Mother knew that, or rather knows that.

And I think that's why she wants to get me out of the way and away from Carmilla. If I hate Carmilla, or if Carmilla hates me, the Dean has no one that can actually stand against her. Separate, we're strong. But together, we're unstoppable.

We've killed for each other. Heck, we've died for each other.

And after everything went to crap (again), after everything we've been through in the past few months together, I know that means everything.

She fears what I'm going to say and the last time she told me she loves me, I told her it isn't enough.

But I'm starting to that maybe think it is.

In the midst of this insanity, in a world that makes absolutely zero sense, we've found each other. We've found it in ourselves to love each other. And really, isn't that all that matters?

There's an undeniable truth that I've been hiding from myself for a while, but now I know it's not something you should hide from. I love her. I love Carmilla. I'm pretty sure I've been falling in love with her since that dumb Zeta party.

I love her and she loves me. We may not be the kind of story that's turned into a fairytale, and she may not be the kind of person that I imagined I'd fall in love with. But our story's ours and we can tell it however we want to. And falling for Carmilla is the most amazing thing that's ever happened for me.

"Laura?" Carmilla asks in a small voice. I think I've been silently standing and staring at her with heart eyes.

I reach forward and take her hand. "I love you too."