I Hate Myself but I Love You

Chapter 5

Laura and LaFontaine stare at me mutely. I don't blame them; I don't want to damn her to an eternal life of torment. To be a monster is one thing, but to make the woman you love a monster... that's another thing entirely.

"Alright," she says quietly.

"Are you sure?" The ginger and I ask at the same time.

Laura nods, that annoyingly cute determined expression on her face. "I trust you, Carm. Do it." Her words trail off and she squirms.

The second stage has begun. I know from personal experience how painful it is. Some humans got ahold of the poison in the eighteenth century and tortured me. Funnily enough, they thought that I was a witch. Once that poison was out of my system, I painted the village red with their blood. The other time was when Maman put me into my coffin. She was so furious at the fact I loved someone, let alone a human, that she gave me it before she put me in there. The blood in the coffin trapped the toxin for longer than normal, so I suffered in agony for what felt like years.

To save Laura from that torment would feel like a mercy if it didn't mean I have to turn her. My greatest fear is her death, because not all make it through the transformation. Even if she survives, the long centuries we live change us. She could become a demon hidden in human skin, like my mother. I don't mean that in a literal sense, but however unlikely, Laura could become evil.

I glance to LaFontaine and they nod. I still hesitate.

"Carmilla. She wants to be turned; it's the only way to save her and she consented. None of this is your fault."

Their words reassure me only slightly, but that combined with Laura gasping quietly in pain is enough. They step back and gesture toward her, silently urging me closer.

I crouch down and gently brush her hair away from her neck, looking up into her eyes. I see nothing but trust, and this might be my wishful thinking, but I see love as well.

Her muscles are tense, and I have learned that the bite hurts more when that's the case.

I grasp her jaw softly, stroking her with my thumb. Her eyes flutter shut and a lone tear escapes her eyes, though that could be either from the fact I'm going to bite her or her pain. She relaxes quickly and I'm grateful for that. I don't want her to be in pain longer than necessary.

I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and lean in.