Recollection ★ Bucky Barnes

I Lost Control

Bucky's mind was running a million miles an hour. He could focus on nothing, not the wondrous smell of alfredo sauce radiating throughout the house, the picture on the television screen, or even the small girl sitting at the opposite end of the couch playing with her hands to distract her from the tension lingering in the atmosphere. It had been this way since the two left the mall almost four hours ago, and although Marlena wanted nothing more than to speak to Bucky about what happened, she knew she needed to give him time to wrap his head around everything that had happened. Hell, she was still trying to wrap her head around everything that had happened.

He had lost control; he had almost allowed the Winter Soldier to completely resurface inside him, despite how hard he had been working to keep him from making another appearance. He had only meant to pry Dylan off of Marlena as quickly as possible, but he found himself holding on for much longer than he should have. He just couldn't help but think about how right it felt having his hand wrapped around the base of Dylan's throat, nor could he get his mind off of the voice inside his head that urged him to continue. He nearly killed him because of Marlena, and yet he refrained from doing so because of her as well. That was another thing he couldn't seem to wrap his head around; he wondered just how possible it was for a girl he'd only known for a couple of days to completely contain such a dangerous entity inside him. It intrigued him, yet it confused him.

Bucky was afraid, though. He was afraid he would lose control of himself again; he was afraid that instead of hurting someone who deserved it, he would hurt Marlena, Miranda, or Mason, the three people who were being more than gracious to allow the damaged soldier into their home. He hadn't known them long at all, but he cared about them because of their relation to his old friend Joseph (and other qualities they possessed). He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he were to hurt them, especially if he hurt Marlena.

Marlena glanced over at Bucky, who was still staring at the wall. She let out a small sigh and was more than ready to speak to him until her mother strolled into the living room. Miranda looked at the two on the couch and frowned, still unsure of what was going on between them.

"Mar, Bucky," she called. The two snapped their heads over to the woman in question. "Dinner's ready if you're hungry," she informed them before taking back off into the kitchen.

Marlena pursed her lips and got off of the couch without a word. Bucky watched with a frown on his face as she headed into the kitchen. He thought she was angry with him because of what happened, but that was far from what was wrong with her. She was surprised by the events that had taken place at the mall a mere four hours ago, but she wasn't angry about it; Dylan deserved what he got, although she felt Bucky could have made his point without strangling him to death. What really bothered her, though, was the look in Bucky's eyes as he held Dylan in the air. It was a cold, distant, sinister look that she just couldn't seem to shake from her brain, no matter how hard she tried to. He was unrecognizable, and Marlena knew that whoever had attacked Dylan was not Bucky. She blamed Hydra for his change of character. Whatever they did to him seventy years ago had a lasting effect on him; she just wasn't sure about how dangerous this effect could possibly be.

Marlena sauntered over to her mother's side at the stove. Miranda filled two bowls up with the alfredo-covered noodles and sat them down in front of her daughter. Marlena moved to grab them, only for her mother to smack her hands away.

"You can have your dinner when you tell me what the hell is wrong with you and Bucky," Miranda remarked. "What happened today while you were out?"

Marlena shrugged and moved to grab a Coke and a root beer from the fridge. "Dylan showed up to harass me, and Bucky took care of it."

Miranda narrowed her eyes at Marlena. "That's not all that happened is it?"

The image of Bucky's eyes flashed in her mind, and she shuddered before grabbing the two bowls off of the counter. "I'll talk to you about it later, okay?" She didn't give her mom the chance to respond before she took off through the kitchen door, the bowls in her hand and the bottles tucked tightly beneath her arm.

Bucky looked back up at her once she entered the living room. Marlena dumped the bottles onto the couch and held a bowl out to Bucky. He took it rather reluctantly and sat it in his lap, unsure if he wanted to eat or not. He played with his fork for about three minutes, eliciting a sigh from Marlena.

"It's not poisoned, I promise," she murmured as she shoved her fork in her mouth. Bucky glanced over at her before finally deciding to eat the alfredo.

The two sat in silence for about five minutes until Marlena spoke up. Not speaking to him was driving her crazy, but not talking about everything that happened earlier was driving her even crazier. "What happened earlier, Bucky?"

Bucky looked at her and sat his empty bowl on the coffee table. "I just lost control."

"What did Hydra do to you, Buck?" Marlena asked as she scooted closer to him. "You weren't you today at all, and it was kind of unsettling."

"I'm sorry I scared you," Bucky sighed, ignoring her question.

"You were protecting me; why would I be scared of you for protecting me? I actually appreciate it more than anything. The only thing that bothers me about what happened today is the look in your eyes as you held him up in the air. It was as if you were someone else," Marlena explained, taking a sip of her root beer.

That's because it was someone else, Bucky thought to himself.

"I don't know. It probably has something to do with Hydra's experiments on me, I'm not too sure," he lied.

Not telling Marlena about the Winter Soldier was killing him, but he didn't want to scare her off. He had nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to. There was only one other person who would be willing to help him the way Marlena was, but he knew the potential dangers he would face if he traveled down that road.

"I hated seeing you like that, Bucky," Marlena whispered as she looked to the wall.

Bucky took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. He fixed his gaze upon Marlena and the uncomfortable feeling of having someone watching her caused her to look back over at him. She narrowed her eyes at him and was ready to ask him why he was staring, but his mouth opened before she had the chance to speak.

"I could've killed that guy today. I wanted to, to be honest, but something about you, the way you looked at me—I was able to stop myself," he admitted.

Marlena's breath caught in her throat at his confession. She wasn't sure whether or not she was more baffled over the fact that he had actually wanted to kill Dylan, or the fact that she had been the only reason Bucky had stopped in the first place. She wasn't sure how she could possibly have any effect over Bucky's state of mind, but she didn't think to question him about it.

"I'll try to be good, Marlena," Bucky continued with a shaky breath. "I don't want to hurt anybody else."

Thinking back on how many lives the Winter Soldier had so wrongly taken over the years made Bucky feel sick to his stomach. He had shattered the lives of so many innocent people without so much as batting an eye. The incident today only made him feel worse, despite how much Dylan deserved to be put in his place. It only made Bucky see himself as a monster, when, in reality, he was nothing more than a victim.

"And you won't, at least not on purpose," Marlena assured him, placing her hand over top of his metal one. It was cool against her skin, but she didn't seem to mind it much.  "I told you that I'd do whatever it took to help you, and I mean it when I say that."

Bucky glanced down at her hand over top of his metal one and only wished that he could feel her touch the same way he could with his other hand. It comforted him, though, and he managed to put a small smile on his face. "Thank you, Marlena."

Marlena only smiled at the super-soldier and rubbed his arm comfortingly before grabbing their bowls and taking off into the kitchen.